Finally, i can see it right before my own eyes.
this is a story about serizawa.
i will start slowly and try to make it as short as i can.
so how do i start ??
haha..ok here we go .Serizawa started as my crush since 2012 ( time ni belum move on psl ajin and lepas jeremy left i went single for a while)
then i met Serizawa. he was...urmmm... handsome nda jg la. ya he is a guy, tapi character dia..mmg your dream guy la kali.. asshole but a good person. definitely. Sorry i forgot to mention about myself yg sy ini indirectly bisex. sy pun tidak dpt explain kenapa but once you go black, you can never go back.
BUT
I met Serizawa. we were good together ( as acquaintances) and we hung out many times together with my friends. even Vivie and Deana was there all along the scenes and they knew what's going on between me and Serizawa.
Back then Serizawa asked me to be his girlfriend (well, eventually) after a plenty times going out together (casual drink and chit chat) . i admitted that time i did have a crush on him but cannot afford to have a relationship just yet.. so he understood .. until we reached a point that we couldnt hide it anymore, so we both agreed to be together ..
but it's not that easy. he was somebody that i totally couldnt expect and when he told me about his background and past, i finally understood , and it's not easy for us both. but we did hold onto it.
so months after months, another new year come. and we were happy and all that (at least that's what i believed we were ) till something hit us. he have to let me go and then Lily(bukan nama sebenar) came into his life. i was crying with all my heart and feel so broken and sikiiiiiiiit lg sy mau p mati lol (biasa la ba kan) .
i remembered that one night he called and apologized, heartfully saying those words and cried and told me that he didnt want it to go this way .. and that he still loves me. (mcm drama kuria jg la kalau sy flashback balik ). yg scene come clean and nangis2 tu .. puiih (ok sy nda minat drama korea so dont judge me)
so time ni la sy confused. are we still in love with each other ? because i still do. and i dont know if he felt the same, but we didnt stop contacting until i decided to go for a hiatus mode. i went ghost for months or probably a year .. and we stop contacting..
he looked for me through wechat, and yea masa ni wechat ja sy ada.. we were talking as if we were still together.. and we talked a lot about lilly and that i wanna see her someday (but skg kami tidak tau suda apa berita dia). we talked about life and talked about us. and begitu seja la on and off on and off but i really feel the affection.
so .. dalam bulan2 yg kami lost contact tu.. i met Jye balik ... she wanna get back to me and so sy terima. but we realized that we couldn't make it along . she found a love rebound and left.jadi single lg balik sy ni... bila sy start contact sma Serizawa balik sy stay single..coz i realized i couldnt replace him for someone new.. till 2016.. then there come Dianne. sy suka mata dia n suara dia mnyanyi ..so sy say hi sma dia.. di ig.. she asked to go out with me for some coffee and talk.. and i agreed
start from there we start talking, through telegram ..coz sy tidak mahu install whatsapp... (seriously im battling with my inner self everyday, trying to not be so anti social) sy depressed ba kan sbb in the same time tu past sy sma ajin masih menghantui sy masa ni ( sy masih mimpi psl dia hampir every night for YEARS) .. org ckp kalau gitu means tu org rindu ko atau belum minta maaf sma ko ( and yes i think it's because of the second reason) tp tidak apa..AJIN, ,, it' s alright. Kosong2 suda kita sy kasi maaf ko betul2 .. sy syg ko sebagai kenangan lalu sy . thanks ajin :)
jadi back to dianne (sammy bah ni) .. she is an amazing person .. serious sy suka character dia.. we talked a lots and suddenly she confessed to me about her feelings towards me. ok FIRST of ALL , sammy bukan pengkid. tomboy pun not exactly. she is totally a genuine girl. But 13 days, for me terlampau singkat untk kau start ada feeling sma org kan . and sebenarnya sy minat btl dia (u know that flirty eyes and lips and husky voice) gila kalau sy lelaki pun sy nda lepas bah .. story life dia amazing and dia independent la kan tp honestly sy tidak suka yg org org sekeliling dia (banyak drama bah) so i dont think i could fit in. sy nda ble tolerate sma toxic ppl suda sebenarnya.
we talked and argued about a lot of things.. and in the meantime tiba tiba lg NAN dtg balik dlm hidup sy .. as a friend.. but she approached me as if dia mau balik dgn sy .. and i told sammy about it . i told her about how nan treated me back then and how she wanna get back to me now.. sammy said dont but sy pula yg confused. and as sammy confessed tu kan , i said no sbb sy takut btl dia hurt.. tidak mau half baked relationship sy bilang and it was a bit in a rush la kan baru 13 days seja ba kami kenal..but sy syg dia. and i wished her happiness. yayang came into her lfie and she faded away from mine. kami tidak stop contact cara baik but sy harap yg baik2 seja untuk dia..
and i get back to nan , but once again nan failed me in the most cruelest way.
okay but it's alright ...im used to being hurt.
masa sy couple sma nan tu ..Serizawa cari sy ..
he scolded me on how disgusting i could be .. and he asked why not be with another guy seja.. aahh.. so i told him .. if it wasnt him, then i couldnt find anybody else. he scolded me again and being harsh but i could sense how he cared about me .. he didnt stop contacting me ever since. but as a somebody la sbb kami bukan kwn bukan jg couple .
then in God's will, Nan left .
after this kan,.. sy jadi depressed lg balik .. but tried as hard to be happy la. sy p penang satu org jalan2 .. kasi tenang fikiran,nobody knows but i enjoyed my time. i met people on the street, i took pictures (but sadddddly gmbr2 sy hilang sbb MicroSD rosak) sial .... i went to places.. stayed there for 3 days good and went back to Sabah with a peaceful heart.. sy buka whatsapp ..changed number .. and buka instagram lol .. main balik sma social media la. tp fb sy sentiasa aktif k ..
changed my num and i told Serizawa. time passed>>>2017 December.. i started to do night job.. time ni sy bangun sudah balik ..sy happy suda balik ..thanks God i have my sister and family with me. and Serizawa as well ..
since then, i meet Serizawa almost every day ..secara nda langsung la kami get back balik kan .. spend the night talking and shared gestures ..had a good times.. i had peace in my heart...
till there's jamanda (bukan nama sebenar). Serizawa started to change when she is around. i noticed that and i told him i dont like what i see . he said i have nothing to worry about .. but you know la woman's instinct kan. sampai satu tahap sy marah dia..sy ckp jgn tipu sy.. kalau masih syg jgn ego .. and he told me he still loves me. WORDS. merely words. tp gaya dia bila jamanda is around berubah sudah la.. mau jaga hati sy kali kan tp blakang sy sepa tahu ? lel..
and his character changed in time. i told him i missed the old him .
he said as if he is a new guy and his old self has died. is dead.
yet.. we went good and okay la..gaduh2 bbaik gaduh2 bbaik .. it went on till this month. i did so much for him and idk if he realized how i stayed by his side all the time . he said he smoked pot, so i bought myself a stash of MJ and tried it to see how it;s like to be him .and he scolded me for that. but till now, i couldnt stop taking this rainbow pills sudah.. what's done is done. choices, i choose not to stop..bcuz in the same time i feel peace and calm so i wont be arguing with Serizawa alot.thanks MJ
so one night.
Jamanda made something ridiculous yg memang sial la ba ni tondu .. and made Serizawa to scold me. wlupun bukan salah sy. sy ckp la ada apa sma ni pmpuan smpai dia bgitu dgn sy .. apa effort dia sma ko, apa dia pernah buat utk ko...dia ada di sisi ko kah setiap masa.. and he couldnt answer them all. see ?? mesti sebab ORANG BARU bah trus hubungan kau rosak.. sial kan ??
but Serizawa apologized in the most sweet way, let alone funny. he started to focus on me and tried to be close to me each night. jadi sy forgave lg dia balik . eishh Serizawa.. Serizawa..
then i DECIDED to stop caring about what's going on between him and Jamanda. peduli la kamu mau buat apa sna sy bilg dlm hati walaupun sakit dia tidak terkata .dlm masa yg sma dia behave well sudah .. i was relieved tapi sy takutttt btl benda berulang so sy tidak mahu suda terlampau caring.
i stopped texting him first in the morning and stopped telling him whenever i reached home.
then.
dia pun dengan ego dia. cuma showed gestures but never try to say sorry yg betul2.. benci oh kan ?? beberapa hari ni dia try to get my attention but sy pula still with my guards up high.. sy buat mcm budu seja ..
so this has been going on for four days till last night,.. he was there at my workplace... kami eye contact seja tp didnt say a word.. kadang mcm sy mau tabak2 dia bah kadang mcm sy mau kiss seja ni org ...ee entah .. dia pun went around wherever i go ..sy mau p luar dia pun p luar tp tidak terngam masa jadi kami berlimpas2 seja.. damn benci sy oh ..
so sy p toilet la. as i washed my hands, suddenly he came and grabbed my waist from the back, hugged me from the back.. and kissed my lips .. kamu tau ka apa perasaan sy time ni ? terkejut tp happy la bah kan kima. i think dia rasa sudah bah tu kehilangan sy. mau attention dri sy seja,.. to be honest mungkin bikin geli geli kalau cerita tp cuba kamu yg jadi sy n alami .. trus bbunga yg hati ok..
tp entah ,. trus dia balik la sy pula hanging sna masih tbayang apa dia buat tadi . Eeee sy rindu ko ba budu .. i know he feels so too tp terlampau ego bah kan ??? but i decided to not to text him juga. .till now sy tiada text dia..
in the same time sy mau move on bah ni idk if he could go on without me, sy mmg nda boleh tp i've been thru this , so apa juga tu kan sekali lagi ... hahah shit
tonight sy harap sy tidak sakit hati lg .. tengok dulu perangai dia .
semoga Tuhan bagi sy jalan n kasi nampak sy apa yg sepatutnya sy buat la sma hidup sy.. kalau c Serizawa jodoh kuat sma sy .. thank you la..tp if bukan juga..sy harap Tuhan kasi buka mata n hati sy lah .. in GOd's will .. sy try untuk jadi senormal yg boleh ..but thanks God sy bahagia skg . hehe .. kasi Amen seja la ah .
bah tu seja story about Serizawa ..kalau kamu ada follow cerita sy sblum2 ni..kamu tau la Serizawa siapa.
kbai
