Care less . Use ur heart less.

Hello world.and hello banglasia. Happy Wesak Day. Thanks God its Friday and im at home 

 . 

Been longing for offdays and today i got it. Mau sebulan sudah sy kerja 7 hari seminggu sebab time rush yg padat. Malar ja ada migraine and stupid sickness. Sokay... harap2 everything that i did will be paid off and imma cry happily . Hahaha amen bilanng.... Amen^^

We went out . And that night me n vee made a vow . Here's to all the independent girl all around the world.never be the girl that needs a man. But be the girl that a man needs.

Vee saw me fret about serizawa. Sebab been so cold hearted this lately to him. And as expected... he texted me... he cant make it.

Seriously just becuz one phone call yg sy tia sambut... he decided like that. So now i know where i stand. Selama dia p meginum kah p gym or going somewhere unknown and rejecting my calls or ignoring my text... i never make such stupid decision while i.am  mad. Sy tia sambut kol dia pun sebab he act like dont care in front of me. God. If only men understands woman more and vice versa...sadness wont exist.

Jadi .... even tho i am sad... i am willing to just follow as he wish. Its his lost anyway. For not holding on till july. There goes my july dream ... there goes my precious lily. Sy x dapat ambik tau suda progress and sokay bah... we are no more. Sy punya crush sendiri yg decide macam ni kan. Bah kita kasi eya ja. Jangan melaawan.... kan sean?

^^ biar lah tu ... 

So bgini la ni.. go with the flow .  Change priority and care less than you usually do. 

Realizing that i dont really need a relationship but i need lily...saya mau dia.....hancul mancul ini hati sebab sya tau lily wouldnt be able to meet me. Sokay sean. Maybe takdir la tu kn sy kena begini. 

Serizawa never tries to understand me ba since we last talked. I quit my internet world and ignoring the world becuz i know i cant be hypocritely being happy . Sy rasa mcam comfy lagi begini . Silence. The best way.peduli la what serizawa mau cakap saya.Like i said in my previous post kan  . .he shud have know and shud try to know why i suddenly become so quiet and stuff.. he shud have know what to do to make it up. Douche .

Bye bye crush. 

So another chapter in my life ended dramatically. Hehehe maybe belum masanya lagi saya ada nasib 。

要爱一个人真的很难过。  i forgive everybody yg ever hurt me.
Nuff said. Bah jum cari brunch dlu. Lapar tahap panda !!^^ hehe



Ciaoz!

^^The unplugged. Untitled.

Hahahha ok ignore my header title yah.

Sa pun tia tau apa yg unplugged. Tapi yg sa tau sy mau archive ni feeling saat ni. Supaya sy ingat sampai bila bila.

Satu hari suntuk sa nda bhubung sama serizawa. Sebab kami kinda have a chatfight d night before. Tapi sy bagitau dia jgn risau la pasal sy. Sy biasa suda kena sakit macam ni malah lagi teruk dari yang ko buat. Pastu ni arri time keja sampai sy balik rumah.... without expectation...dia sent me txt. .. kan? Ego lelaki pandai jatuh bah... sy tau. Tapi tu jak la... sy mau reply pun sy rasa salah. Tidak reply pun sy rasa salah. So i decided to ignore. Anothet text came lagi yg tadi. Adeiii...karau bah mau reply... but i definitely wont wanna be hust again and again . Sy mau tunggu semua benda settle dulu. Kalau dia tau apa mau buat..bagus la. Kalu dia give up... ba eya seja la. Sy mau diam n observe ja... tee hee.


Tapi bukan tu yg benda major buat sy happy ni hari. So white ghost family member ada kol sy td. Lama kami berbual. Punya kuyak ada kah dia tanya gini... sean berapa lama suda ko nda kena kol org ni...mcm happy jak ko bcrita sama aku. Hahhaa .....adeii... sy easa pun gitu... laaaaaaaaaama ...berbulan2 suda teda org kol sy n sanggup crita2 sma sy gitu lama. Ekikiki ....tp siok la crita kami. Vahahha mama bah so funny... sy nda sangka she could answer chabey punya call n cakap gitu.he hee... n d sibling cakap... even u guys are separated...mum always anggap u as her daughter.. and we are siblings... huuuu.... im so touched. Sy gtau dia yg he is irreplacable. But yeah life must go on.


Ekiki...sy happy to get to know bout their latest news. Lama suda nda kol mama n dgr sora yuyu. Cant wait for unni to come back. Mo crita2 sma dia. Urmmm... the bond is too strong i still cnt let them go even my heart say so. I love them too much.

But sokay la.... sy dapat suda point of view sy yg sepatut patutnya la. Even mcm mana lonely pun hidup sy skg.... sy ada dorg..family.. my own fmly sama diorng. I hope God dont take this blessings away from me.



Sa kestau serizawa... sa busy sgt sama kerja... teda masa mau flirt  or whatever. So dia harus faham kalau sy suda ckp sy mau satu... satu tu seja la sy mau... taapi tu la...karma bah kali kan... sy slalu kena sama difficult guy. White ghost...jer ..and serizawa.  Chapter of my life . Sy paaaaling syg yg white ghost. Haha. Crita yg teda sepa boleh rebut dari sy. So bitter and so sweet... kalu crita tipu hidup2 paling manang la c mcnorman. But sy bersyukur. Im npt taking time to hate. Kalau sy mau syg...sa sayaang betul2 . Tp if ppl kc sia sia sy....sy pandai faham sendiri and take d first step to walk away.


And surprisingly serizawa still there. I thot this chapter pun x akan jadi. Tp sy nda mau expect apa pun lagi. Enufff...^^ kalau nda kawin pun tidak apa suda. Relationship is not my priority anymore ..after white ghost. Nobody could ever bring that story to me..*reminiscing.


It is the pain ...but it also is a remedy. Sebab bila sy ingat suma memories sy...sy senyumm... n menangis. So beautiful it makes you wanna cry bilang c avril.ahaha....



Slama sy being independent...sy pegang tu ayat appreciate...adapt... improvise. Sy slalu breakdown tp nda suda yg kritikal mcm dlu.

Huhu...apa la sy merapu ni . But i am glad. Hari ni suda berlalu. Lagi sejam masuk monday suda.


Kerja lagi.


I dont know what else gonna happen. Yg sy tau  ...sy appreciate ja. ^^ apa jadi ..jadi lah kan...



Aaaaah sy happy. Even karma strikes on me
..i could fight it. Senyum dalam kesusahan.


Kenapa sy cakap ini karma ? Sebab sy ingat lagi dlu time sy reject satu guy. He claimed that he was so into me since highscul...pastu tjumpa sy balik time sy broke up suda sma white ghost. Sy cakap sy nda dapt trima dia. ... he turned to be a creepy psycho then. Tunggu bawah ruma sampai lewat malam... tarik2 sy n try to abuse... haiguuu banyak suda oh sy punya memory dari dlu. He made me to maki him like whatsoever... until sy graduate. Dia nampak sa jalan sama white ghost and he encountered him . Ofcoz sy pilih white ghostkan. Trauma sy sama tu llki obses... tp since then
... i always become unfortunate... maybe terlampau ramai suda yang menyumpah2 sy kan... mo sy mati apa smua... but i will fight till d end. Kalaau Tuhan kasi tentu sy mati... malam ni saat ni pun mmg sy mati kn. Hurm


Tu la.... even hidup ni bagi saya mcm mcm masalah... ada ja berkat yg sy rasa even bnda sekecil semut pun. Saya hargai


.ehehe... thnks ya white ghost's sibling...made me smile lots tonite...


N to serizawa too.

:))


Life is so very beautiful... indeed. Praise God.


Sa tdur la ni..isuk kja lagi... nunite.... ciaoz !!

I know its worth the wait. #faith

And so mr.crush and me. Even we're good but i think its just me. Im becoming a diff person towards him and being so cold hearted suddenly. I dont know. Maybe becuz i am lack of empathy needs.

I understand his situation. I know july wont be that long to wait. I know i can endure the pain. But his act .... really drives me crazy.


I dont know if he know im so into him. Everything. Okay. We met lots of time and yes he treats me differently from vee n eyca.

So maybe im the only one who take it like that?


Then whats all that fight and attention and care that we had ? Im confuse and almost giving up at d same time . Well he never try to say the word first. He told me he dont know how to show it.


Mummy ever told me. To be with a special guy... u need to understand him and dont be the same girl like other. Yup.... i dont know my life always bump into a guy which is hard to understand.


Like white ghost. His mom told me im d only girl that he actually showed his true color to and still i can bear him .i think so. I understood his attitude mind and behavior. Favorite and hates.


Naaayh... i dont wanna compare.i will keep our memories to my grave. He is irreplacable. But as a human... we cant be a loner. At least another human as a companion. Neither dog..nor a cat.... or any other animal could take that place.


But i am lonely. I do have lots of friends and family. But ...yeah basically im lonely. Back home... looking at vee and eyca with their own thing... talking on the phone with their boyfriends... and im left with my game and my teddy.


I think it is true. The person who laugh the most is the loneliest. Um... my happiness were boost up only during at work with  my friends.  But since im a quite a dummy person... sometimes when they were joking with me i took it seriously. But i never keep it in heart. Trying to adapt with people's nature as good as possible . Becuz i understand sometime people didnt think before act. Im one of them  too. But saya budu ba sy tidak pandai bgurau tidak pandai bercakap mcm dorg... tidak pandai membuli...haih... im an alien. #sadasfuq



But i woke up ni pasal sy dapat message dari mr.crush. we last texted while im still at work at 7pm tadi kemarin. Then i back home i decided not to find him. It feels so cold inside me. Well maybe im just tired. Mommy says that dont be a girl that needs a man. Make it the other way around instead.


Ya betul tu mum....so i went to sleep before midnite. Without looking for him or telling him that im home. So..As i woke up... i saw his text " shoney" "i miss you"
 Words.★
 Guy really know how to manipulate.
I dont know whether he is drunk  or what. But these words moves me. :) im smiling ..well at least i crossed your mind kan serizawa.

So i replied a bunch of msg back to him. And now im on blogger.hehee writing all about my feeling.


 Oh and another thng is that... mother's day.


I called mum frequently. We talked . But i miss to hug her so much. I dont know what  shud i give her on mother's and teacher's day. But i hope i will come up with something. Ehe... everyday is a mother's day
No need to wait for the date to show our appreciation.do it everyday. As we grow up our parents are growing old. Keep that in mind.


So imma wait for mum to come here nxt week... ^^

Will try my best to spend time with them.



Ok i shud go back to sleep now. Jap lagi mau p kerja.


Saya sayang apa yg sy ada pernah ada n masih ada....maybe thats my nature. Fragile and love too much. :)

God helps me to live in this cruel word.


And to mr.crush...thanks for giving back a lil faith in me and us. I will wait till july ends. In meantime i promise i wont show u my weakness and sadness.. for lily, and u.



#hugs


Ciaoz


.

Blogging tonite

I got alot and alot aand alot of things to say. I dont know where to start and how to begin. Im happy and sad at the same time now.

Ok  so maybe imma do it this way. One story per paragraph. Lol. . Like doing essay



So...here goes nothing ^^...

#my life as in my daily routine :
▶ as an employee of a full time job.... im takin full time of 14hours of working daily. Yes . I am a busy busy busy person now. Im lack of time to chill and to relax.  Life.pushes me to do so. Talked to mummy recently. She complaints bout her needs and prob. I was sad becuz  i dont know how to help her that time. But i determined to work full time o.t every day... so i could help her.  Its alrite if my other priority need to be put aside. Family first.

friends at work :ohsemm . They were great and having them in my life merely fulfilled my empty heart and thus not making me feel so lonely after all.

Take pics with them every day and laugh with them .

I just loved them .without them i dont know how am i going to bear my work ...stressful and stuffy. I have been working seven days in a week since last week. Multitasking ... its tiring as fuck i can tell. Becuz everytime i reached home. I fall asleep on the floor. Im a dead panda .sleeping without bothering what am i sleeping on  

. .

So yeah thats my routine. 

#my life after work ^^

▶ I spend time at home with my wifeys. Eyca and vee. These two ladies are the closest to me now. Whatever things we are together. Even we fought sometimez. So here is the part that i wanted to tell . About somebody called diana. So yeah we were close close friends before. We share things and talk like siblings and we had lots of thing in common.its like your other half. I sayang her as much as i sayang myself.but here is the thing. After that slight chatfight conversation which i had already apologized becuz i am truly sorry for what had happened ..she said... kasi limpas lah tu... so okay.. and i thot she was okay with me. But dafuq that we met. She TREATS ME LIKE A DOG. I TRIED TO TALK TO HeR AND YEA NOT EVEN A SINGLE SENTENCE COME OUT FROM HeR MOUTH. she treat me as if wind blows by her. She even give me that look. That mad eyebrows look. So okay. As i knew i did my part.... its okay if ppl like her cannot tolerate at all. childish as a matter of fact. So to be fair enuf... since i felt like being a dog to her... so i decided to put her away from my life.  I forgave her and take the blame about what had happened. But i wont entertain people who actually displease me and wasting my time and giving hatred towards me. I think this actually make her happy kan.  Becuz i can feel so much hatred of her to me.so yeah. Another human become a total stranger to me. Sokay. Life is so so short to even bother about ppl who give me a fuck up feeling. And yeah now my.life continues... daily routine chillin with wifeys and yeah spend my life with these blessings.

I decided it that way  .

. I realized that some hard feelings do occur but we all love our friendship more than our ego . I dont know bout what they think bout me. But if i have to fight people for our frenship... i would. I love my wifeys . Alot. And very much. 

#my personal life. 

▶ when im started being an emo... its spells b.o.r.i.n.g to me. Being a sad person is boring. But what the hell... im just being myself. When im happy or when im sad.no need to hide my true color.im a grown up already. It depends on people whether they can tolerate with me or not.

So as months passed by.... i had myself a crush. The one im talking about in my previous post.lol. he is somewhat a special guy to me. And never in my life ever ... met any guy with personality like him before. Yeap... i had a crush . So the thing is ... we became closer than friends but never yet declare or whatsoever. So i assumed that im the only one who had that vibe and not him  . Its alrite.tho. but... since his problem came and lingers around...we started to have shyt. And yea its becuz of another girl.ughhh... so the funny part is that... everytime i told myself not to find him and suddenly he look for me first.And when we had a slight fight ... each of us will see whose ego are bigger. And yes i always lose to him . I liked him so so much that i cant stand to be mad at him   for long... so.. since saturday nite till now we didnt contacted. So i was worried sick about him. And... i knelt and said say my prayer . I prayed for him and our precious lily. I dont want to lost them both but if we arent fated to be together its alrite. I dont know how to hate and i fall in love easily but i stick to one. I dont know why im being so emo that my tears drops.and as im getting ready to sleep...suddenly my phone rang.Ohh my ...it was him hahahhahahahhahahahaha ... gawdd... my prayer has been answered. He apologized to me and explained.so he actually make it up for me. I already know #neverlosthope is the key. And #appreciate. ^^ so we're good again now. I know i need to wait for his problems to be settled. I want to have lily so much i could waitt  . I believe God will make a way. Amen

#surprising moments [white ghost]

▶ i saw his car at api api centre. So fucking many times 

And i always get that slight heart attack whenever i saw his car. So i know he Has a new girl on the block . I could imagine that that gir is hugging him happily sleeping beside him or chillin whatsoever .... with him . But never again imma let myself down. I dont wanna be an option or a shadow. Not anymore. Past has taught me in d hard way to live like that now i kenoot tahan ... plus i had a new crush that become my happiness and pain in the neck now. So i told myself ...DO NOT BOTHER TO KNOW OR CHECK on him . Even if i could. His family still asks me to come over their place to hang out and  i missed them so so so much. :( but sometimes... we need to just let things go. The scar he left on me is very deep im scared it might gonna bleed again .  I moved on from him to jer and from jer to standing up on my own . Well thanks to jer i forgot alot bout my past. .. and now my crush has helped me to get my pain towards jeremy*s doing to vanish completely. Yes. Cross my heart. I felt pathethic for jer for not holding me on and took me for granted. I made mummy cried before when i made my own choice to go with jer so i think i deserves this punishment. A guy who actually really set me up alive.well what the hell . I forgive him too ^^ I prayed and wish the best of luck for them. Im just being thankful for all the memories they had given to me . #reminiscing. Memories never dies. And if someday i am gona bump into any of these two... im willing to not giving any hatred. Who know ... we might gonna work at the same place together ??kan... so im ready to live with my problems. Even to those girls ... i decided to do the same.

Tee hee ♡

So what else am i going to talk about ?? Oh yeah... bout my posts in here. ...most of them i have put in my drafts. Keep it hidden. I re read my post from a-z...all of em have no censor at all..wkwkwk impact of too much negative emotion.

So most of my post has been set to hidden now. Sokay la that..

Oh and by the way imma put my pic here as a wrap ... haha been so excited to write till i dont realized its another five hours before i need to wake up!!! Lol.

Hurm ... latest news is about the general election 13. I was overwhelmed with the  unacceptable  result but what can we do ..that fucktard laju2 pi jumpa sultan to angkat sumpah. My bottom line for him is 《DIRTIEST ELECTION EVER IN HISTORY》 ... EVEN this issue has become a world concern . I pray that the bravers will do something about it. We all wanted to CHANGE. So lets just hope for the best, aite ??^^ amen.

Hahaha ...  ok i think thats shud be a good essay by now. Please ... to whoever that might passed by and read this... do not judge me or giving harsh commentt . Do not even try to spread . This is my blog so im free to talk whatsoever  

. But ... we cannot stop or shut person's mouth. And hopefully nobody is offended 

#iownnothing.

Ciaoz