Oh My Dusun !

Eyah No doubt.... dusun sa teruk ... 

sudah banyak kwan2 komen sa.. hahha ada lagi yang men sindir berabiss nie. 

macam mana juga kalau conversion ari2 sa pakai english n bm.. ? 

hoho eyah i know i need to something with this. 

im a pure dusun so shouldnt forget my mother tongue.. 

nanti sa selalu la berbual dalam bahasa dusun dengan kawan2 lepas ini . 

ehehe ... DUIII GEA !

Sleepy Saturday !

hahaha! sleeping like fullblast today ~

yeah, since i ain't got nothing to do today , i put myself in pigging up mode, you know, sleeping the whole day    ?

Long before, i was that girl whom woke up as early as 6am in the morning at this day and dressed up nicely in polka dots , getting ready to church . :)

but since my life has changed completely after my parents get divorced, i followed my mummy .. convert . Voila ~ to those who knew me, they knew what am i in .

SAD story huh ? things like this ruins me ,. somehow in many way .  Studies, emotion , perspectives, and the way im living my life.

i became a rebel in myself.  sometimes. like many other times. i fought a lot with my mum . since i am a daddy's girl, i am not that close to mum .

but after the divorce, i get to talk a lot with her.

and then, after i get divorce myself, yeah i call it a divorce allright, i get messed up a lot .. i mean really waay a LOT~!

then i came up to a time that i give myself a break .

i met a lot of assholes along my way in the journey of my life. the asshole friends,  the idiot one, the one that cannot get along, the one who always backstabbing me, who borrowed money and pretending they dont remember it... lol all these faggots.

 but despite of those bittersweetness, i do have true friends. the one who are always there without me asking . they are silent. and apart. but they are always there. I LOVE YOU GUYS  .

i dont know. i got this one stupid habit which is if i am having bad mood, i'll avoid all. i mean everybody that is in my way .

i will keep my self in the room and sleep sleep sleep sleep . lol. i dont have a good life .

but they are still there for me. and to my family.. though i dont really get along with them, commitment as a daughter, but in other way we are united. the more pain we gained, the more we trying to get united. i know my mum has a plan for the family. deep inside me, i still love her deep deep deep.. no body can replace her . :) its true.

and my dad , yeah ... i used to hate him with allllll my heart. but now... i kinda feel that its a waste of time to hate, He still is my father. so in other word, i love him too  .

all of these i can conclude... no matter how we wanted to hate that person... well, we do hate them.. but in positive way, they had helped us in the learning of life..  you became more matured... think rationally and can decide whats good or bad for yourself .

so we need to take it and face it. eventhough im so emotional most of the time, least i know which is the good part to take.

i learned last night that it is not worth for me to get along with someone who treats like you're not important at all to them .

but we could still meet up, talk and hang out together. i dont want to avoid what i cannot avoid. haha bluff.

eyah .

so thats most of whats in my mind right now.

ciaoz ~~  <3

hi world

like seriously, its Friday Night ..

yeah another boring night and all my huzmate are sleeping. exceptions to those who went out and get wasted. HA. i'm one of the boring noob girl stayin in da huz tonite. LOL no offence.

kenapa tu ah.. kalau kita sendiri2.. terus pandai teringat tu orang. LOLS sa pigi stalk tu orang tadi . ada jello2 juga lah bila tengok ada satu tondu gete ni suka minta perhatian dia. jhaha ~ well who knows they might gonna hook up kan ..tho itu orang cakap dia inda into hooking up with anybody sekarang .NGEH ~ people do change.

nevermind that. least i had tell that person what i felt.

by the way, im having digestive problem neh ~ mun sudah talan2 itu makanan... pandai puke puke ~ pakiew.. bagus tepayah makan kan ? jadi anorexic terus .

lagipun mau 4 orang suda cakap sa makin berisi sekarang... mun sudah lebih dari  1 orang tu...sah sudah tu kejadian .. AHA ~

kenapa perempuan takut gamuk ah  ? walaupun sa sendiri pernah motivate diri sendiri yg sa tidak patut rasa rendah diri ..sebab gamuk2 gini pun masih ada urang mengurat ~ wkwk... tapuji sekijap .

tapi still sa rasa makin kita berusia ~ makin penting itu jaga pemakanan .na ambik mu ~ amburr itu BM

sebab kalau perempuan makin dea kuat makan makin susah mau turun itu berat badan .. me myself even have the hanging skin urang bilang kalu kg2...
etcingg ~ tapi belum sampai tahap obese la. ni hari seja me skip the breakfast and eat like a king in the eve, inda bagus tu kan ?

i ate like a plate of rice, vegies and fried chicken .

sekali sampai ruma~ bLUEEAKKKK hard in the toilet. ciuu ~ pnya sakit tu termuntah . 

idk what is happening inside my tummy. tapi itu lah..muntah macam babi kelemasan .

after some soy drink and a chockie waffle terus okeyh pula itu perut.. inda juga meragam ...

so now im continuing my procrastination...

jumaat depan sa ada presentation. 

tapi sa just buat itu slide half way to go .. ada 10 pages and i had done 6 of em.. ok lah tu kan for an effort ? etcing! sa janji kalu tu slide inda kena penalty or any bad comments... sa simpan sini tu kasi tengok kamu .

huhuuu... 

sa masih ingat 24.6- sa mau tabak c jye pakai pisau ... 

tia sangka kalu kita sakit ati suda .. mesti pandai act sumthing really stupid la kan .. but nasib baik sa inda tabak dia betul2. 

klo tidak ..masuk jail sudah ne. huhu

sekarang people could say anything they want about me ..its not that important anymore... if kawan sendiri pun can be fake and can be the backstabber ,... apa lagi kalu urang yg baru sehari dua kenal kita sudah mau judge kita kan .lol. 

sebab lepas itu breakup , sa banyak kena tanya kawan2. duhh ... biasalah tu .

apa yg dorang nampak, dorang dengar and dorang fikir..

ITU HAL KAMU la k. sa no komen. begini lah sy sekarang...

kinda no feeling tentang apa2 yang berlaku sekarang..

all i know i had to fin my final presentation and ciaoz from the cursed college. hoho

planning lepas ini ???KERJA la... cari makan sendiri .

jumpa dengan macam2 orang. might meet with people in the past. But yeah.. the world is so small fella ... memang adat kehidupan macam itu . 

sa mau bayar utang ptptn sa..BAAAANYAAKKK ~ kalu boleh jadi scholarship kan bagus tu .. ini tidak . hohoh

but least i have the will to improve and to move on kan .daripada teda apa2 . hehe 

ya la ...macam mana juga..people need to work to get money and get what thwy need. 

thats a wrap then .. 

ciaoz 

Its TGIF . SHOULD BE

so be it.

NUMBER BUSY NUMBER BUSY NUMBER BUSY NUMBER BUSY  . girl . if you found out this towards someone important to you . YOU KNOW WHERE YOU STAND .

AInt it sucks ? heh.

today i saw her again . i went to college and in one blink, THERE SHE IS!!!! lingering around here and making stupid faces. fukkk

being in a group with stupid people is not so fun, in fact i wasnt fun at all ! 

booyah ~ i dont care what people might think but yeah she is terribly annoying . suck it up,.sucker ! 

i dont know what she might become in her future but i really hope that she's not part of my surrounding. SOON , imma leave this place and that includes her :)

i hated people that is easily thinks of stupid thing and labelling people like they were so perfect. NOPE. 

she's not listed as my friend. terribly annoying .

 and here's to  the idiots around the world. .life is hard , and its even harder when u are stupid ! 

Ada tu orang kan ....

Boleh kah saya mau judge orang.. ?

sebab saya terkilan dengan someone bah ini hari ...

saya tiada pun cari gaduh sama dia. tapi dia macam adaaaa seja tidak puas hati sama saya.

bah macam mana juga kalau hidup saya lebih sibuk daripada dia. dia ingat siok kah jadi saya ? well ituuu luaran,,.. kalau yang tersirat bukan ada sepa2 tau pun .. kan ???

ini perempuan ... .

hurm ... saya tidak mau label apa2 la..tapi saya rasa fikiran sempit dia tu patut kena ubah. kalau sini lah negara jahil kan...saya rasa dia tidak layak hidup.. sia2 bah hidup tapi jadi idiot and loser ni .

tau kenapa saya cakap dia idiot ? sebab dia tidak habis2 mau kasi jatuh orang sedangkan hidup dia ..ntah sempurna ka tidak ...tidak cermin diri sendiri bah maksud saya...

first. dia pernah judge saya pasal agama.

ada orang tu kan ... luaran dia PUNYA LAH ALIM mau mampus. tapi boleh cakap la saya ni social ... tapi pandai juga berfikir bah mau respect orang kah tidak kah .

ada orang PIGI church ... tapi sampai dalam sana ..apa dorang buat?

BERDATING, BERGOSSIP, TIDUR, TAYANG2 BAJU siapa lagi cantik, n juga berperasaan dengki . ada lagi kan orang yang pigi masuk sana tapi waktu malam dia buat dosa balik.

ini perempuan pernah cuba kasi ceramah saya tentang agama. dia cakap saya tidak akan dimaafkan Tuhan.

saya mauuuu betul tanya dia, dia rasa dia layak kah cakap begitu dengan saya ? saya tahu perangai anjing dia bah ... sana sini bermulut2 pasal hal orang lain. macam tiada lah life. memang tiada life. dia hidup dalam tempurung. 

saya judge dia sebab dia suka cari pasal dengan saya. 

someone pernah cakap dengan saya...tidak bagus mau judge orang. saya tau .n sya pernah kena cakap kalau saya perfect sangat, orang tidak akan kasi tinggal saya . well ..betul  itu .

tapi ini hari saya bagi exception dengan diri sendiri. saya pun manusia bah .ada perasaan mau marah. sakit hati, itu tetap ada. benci ? hoh, dia makin buat saya meluat tengok muka dia. 

ada lagi satu ..dia suka jugde saya punya luaran. 

dia ingat dia siapa ? saya mau tanya ada dia bagi saya duit untuk makan n tanggung belanja saya kah ? tidak .

n kalau mau cakap betul pun, saya rasa saya pun boleh judge luaran dia yang setakat begitu itu .JAGUH KAMPUNG. .

tidak sangka oo perempuan pun boleh juga jadi jaguh kampung. 

saya tidak mau cari gaduh sama dia sebab saya tau saya tidak akan bergaul sama orang macam dia dalam future saya. CUKUP la masa saya belajar ini dia jadi hipokrit mau jadi kawan saya. 

lepas itu , saya rasa saya akan berjaga2 daripada jumpa orang macam dia and jadi kawan saya. NO .HELL NO. saya bukan dendam . tapi saya cukup sudah sakit hati . 

belum lagi campur masalah saya sendiri .kan ? 

jadi saya betul2 harappp saya tiaada akan jumpa ini tondu lagi lepas ini. buanggggg masa saya , buannnng tenaga saya ...


sebab kalau saya ternampak dia... sya tau dia akan buat saya mula menjudge orang. so better not. 

pukkk ... 

aminnn la kalau prayer saya ini kena jawab .

saya harap dia berjaya dalam hidup fikiran sempit dia tu seja la. 

tu seja saya mau cakap tentang dia. 

and belum tentu ko alim tu bermaksud ko tiada dosa...hati yang dengki  itu lebih besar bah dia punya upah dosa daripada yang membunuh.. 


bagus lagi dosa yang nampak2 daripada muka yang bertalam2 , nuff said. 


ciaoz. 

Monday, Be Nice to me.

beauty isnt make up.

i havent woke up completely just yet. 

but since there are wayyy toooo many friends texted ME just to ask what time we'll be going to college or am i going , or what are u wearing later... DUHHH!!!! 

i have to wake up.

actually i dont feel like throwing myself in this thing anymore but yeahhhh ... that cert, i needed it. 

i just felt that i want to have myself a break.. .nope... NO CANT DO... 

i have a responsibility .

hurmmm .... this is annoying. LIFE GOES ON . damn it. 

btw... hopefully MONDAY would treat me nice today ...

happy working to all the people in the world.

She still cares.

 i saw that. 

but yeah ...  i think im the only one who had a messed up life. 

decluding the people around me. 

well to her, i hope she can achieve the best for her life. get what she's dreaming of.. achieve her dreams. simply as that.

and to that girl, u sure are rich but you're lack of the most important  need in life. 

blah. 

as long as she is okay. then i'll be smiling for her. 

ciaoz 

Need A Push to Myself

i wanna live for myself . i wanna love myself. i want to live for myself. stop the heartbreaking, stop the nonsense of affection . i wanna live for myself live for myself live for my self. i want to have something in my life.. to be proud of... to be proud of.

Curse of 24

This always happened. on 24th. i dont know why. but 24 never leaves me alone without putting me in misery.


Saya bukan cakap macam saya percaya benda-benda budu ... tapi kalau tiap2 kali pun mesti dapat masalah pada tarikh yang saaaaama seja... bukan lagi kebetulan etoo ~ pakiew. 

hari ni . saya tidak tau apa dalam fikiran saya. yang saya tau ... the world has lost respect in me. 

ya lah .i failed a thousand times even how hard i tried. 

saya boring ouw jadi failure. saya boring jadi orang yang selalu kena begini . boleh kah saya padam ni memory otak n reset pigi default setting yang mana saya teada perasaan hati n ingat mau hidup simple seja? BLOODY NO. 

tu yang susah kan .

bila kita teada siapa2 sudah .. and bila kita perlu motivator , n di sana la kita jatuh sejatuh jatuhnyaa ~ eish budu ba. 

kenapa mesti pada tarikh ini .? maybe the date i died probably gonna be this number, besaaar kemungkinan la. sebab saya yakin saya kena sumpahan bah ni .

24.5.11 - kawan2 saya meninggal dalam car crash 

             - the whole batch weep for them

24.5.11 - he's gone.

24.11.11- dia datang balik and buat saya hilang keyakinan diri

24.12.11- dia cari saya lagi  n buat saya rasa dia still .. 

24.1.12- bergaduh 

24.5.12- genap satu tahun . and saya ada problem time ini

24.6.12- hari ini . hari paling ... manang la saya rasa.

saya tiada hak bah rasa begini . zero. tiada sudah saya punya hope. n effort. tidak dapat yakin juga.tiap kali pun saya kena buat sampai saya rasa saya ni sampah . 

  

satu seja yang saya hairan . kenapa saya tiada kena accident or kena cacat or apa2 ? daripada balik2 sakit hati .bagus lagi mati terus .

apa yg ni dunia cuba kasi bukti ? dorang mau saya tabah ? woh... saya tidak tau sudah . 

otak saya kosong. 

sangat. kosong.

hati? tiada shape sudah .

pasir . 

 kalau mau cerita pasal tabah ...since my dad left i feel like my other half is gone. 

but i survived after a loooooong way of bittersweetness. 

since then saya banyak lalui benda2 bodoh . makin jatuh n saya bangun balik ..

tapi macam sia2. 

apa saya mau dalam hidup ? 

SAYA CUMA MAU ADA SOMEONE BAH.  who can handle me at my worst and take me at my best. 

i almost got it.. .but then it got away .

why ? saya kah yang langgar hukum hidup ? bodoh la nonsense. 

saya sudah jd diri sendiri . 

kalau mau cerita curang2... bullsh.teada langsung . .

kalau mau cerita saya tidak perfect , well, ada kah orang perfect ?

macam mana baik pun tu orang..dia tetap sinner bah .

itu seja saya percaya. .

tapi kejam ow. kenapa saya perlu hadapi begini . macam apa jak bah saya mau struggle lawan ini perasaan bdoh.

MAU MATI TIAP HARI .tapi tidak pernah dapat. 

sebab apa? WAY TOO MANY things already i've been through.

mesti lah ada orang yang lebih banyak dia hadapi. tapi ini saya. hidup saya. my cursed life. 

sekarang... macam biasa... saya tiada boleh harap siapa2 untuk ada di sisi saya... 

well ..in the end. we just could rely to ourself. 

saya makin lemah . keyakinan diri ? ZERO .

...

...sangat. 

tapi ada lagi tanggungjawab saya lepas ini ..

final sem punya kerja.

kalau saya penting diri... saya tidak mau peduli semua ini ... 

but yeah ..ini la dugaan . 

ini lah .. yg saya perlu hdapi. 

harap2 seja lah saya dapat pass tu benda.. presentation and etc. 

selepas itu... saya pandai2 lah mau buat apa dgn diiri sendiri .  

*bengkak gilak ne mata. tau sudah la , malam ini pun tidak akan dapat tidur. 

ciaoz. 

            

This IS indeed a Good Story.

A week ago, i've been struggling with my stupid emotion plus with my surrounding and my camouflaging to the people around me. 

saying i'm okay when its really not, and smile to everyone while inside i cant even move a nerve. 

that is exaggerating .

but yeah. 

if this is read by someone who felt the same, he/she knew. what its like to be or to feel like this.

what happened to the , i wont ever leave you, i love you so much, and you also dont ever neglect me ? neay~ people changes.

so do i.

**breath heartfully deep deep deep deep

haha Gosh... God must be laughing at me now. the road not taken and i took chances to fool around all along. but yeah.. life still give the best of it and somehow... i can accept this in different motivation.

i knowwww..... there's a lot more people out there that never had a chance to feel heartbroken over someone they love. never had the experience about anything and everything about it. so pure, so innocent. 

but as for me .

ha ha

no comment. 

thinking like this resisting me from crying.

am i? or am i not ? 

nobody can ever look at me at one glance and knew that there is something not right about me. well..still sane.. but ..

nay... nothing much to say about it . it happened. just happened . booyah ... .here we go again sean ... 

YWWA.. :)))

in the end, life fucks us all ..

saya mau thank you sama Tuhan sebab hari ini Dia Ajar saya perkara yg paling syok la saya rasa... 

Aktiviti sama kawan2 praktikal ...  AND that. .:D

saya boleh bah . 

arrogant? apa itu ? saya rasa saya tidak ada cuba untuk lari or mengelak . well. begini lah hidup. 

:)

<3

I am Belong to Me

What does it feel to die ? probably many people in the world dies without their own  desire. 

On my opinion… people died in many way and they die without knowing it.

Some people die on accident. Some are killed. Some…. committed suicide. They just feel enough of living and yeah …they choose to end it up, in many way . they cut their wrist… died on hanging rope, jumped off the cliff,  the question is .. Why ? 

But as for my own opinion… they are so many loners out there… they have problems. Like us do … but then we… had people around us… family members… friends…. And yeah …companion …well that’s how people survived… being not lonely… but those loners out there… they’ve  went through so much that they just cannot lift their own selves anymore and there they goes… end up their life. 

Being unwanted, being forgotten and being abandoned is much more painful than starve ourselves… rather than having no food at all, nothing to drink and no any property at all … when you had someone beside you, that never leaves you alone…. You can survive and determined to survive.

I’ve watched many living proof that people will die being a loner.

Even God created Eve for Adam .

He knew… we human being  …. We’ll be thirsty for affection and the feeling of being loved and taken care of.

But instead of dying … why cant God just let people to have the ability to erase their memories… ? why just they cant reset their life back to where they wanted it to be. …wont it be great that there is no more people dying if its not their time just yet? Well exceptions to those who were involved in accidents.

I just don’t get it… no matter  how much people wanna die in peace and serene…. (kunun) , still they will die in pain and vain.

I ever saw  people record them selves online with webcam and show how they commit suicide to the world. And booyah …. They clips gets millions of like .

Well maybe that is why more and more and more people determined to  kill themselves because they saw people being killed and kill themselves too ..it encourage them more to die and experience it by themselves. Hoh! … I don’t know what am I mumbling about.

In My Mind…. I was thinking about… HOW DOES IT FELT TO DIE, right now … ,right away ….

I wanna how may I look like if I died. LOL .

I cannot feel myself anymore.

Somehow there is a voice inside me. Urging me to.  *******

Blah.

But then .. . I still have the conscience.

I know its not worthy to die over our problem. I know if I cannot solve  it…then I’ll live with it. 

My boyfie… I don’t know what is in her mind… but then .. yeah …I told myself.. Appreciate. Don’t let go of someone you love over a simple matter.

Haha. Simple? Ntah . pQ.

Yaaaa la… im only someone to you .

.sigh . ntah la . heh. Saya sayang dea ba.tu la dapat trima seja.

Ciaoz

1.23am

went around the net, reading and here's some of the quotes that i get to love. ..

*Always continue the climb. It is possible for you to do whatever you choose, if you first get to know who you are and are willing to work with a power that is greater than ourselves to do it.
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

* Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.
Wayne Dyer

Expect problems and eat them for breakfast.
Alfred A. Montapert

 i should really go to sleep now. TRYing ... boo ~ night .

1.18am

still awake still awake still awake still awake.... 3 hours before start doing my chores , HAAAAAAAIIIIZZZ

dunno what to do .

Nope. I lied . :’)

Yeah, I lied to Jye that imma going to sleep now. I haven’t sleep just yet… we texted in just for a while.. then she probably fall asleep . tired of driving. I aint sleepy bah . 

my boiboi went out with dea punya friends just now.. and now she’s back, exhausted.

Somehow.. maybe this is what you felt when I fall asleep every time I am back from work and slept like a dead fish. Gilaaaaaaaa saya perlu kau bah sekarang. .. :’D .

I now know that its not good to fall asleep. And its my major problem . SUDDEN SLEEP HABIT. Bodoh bah kan ?even if I hold the phone and texting … .i’ll fall asleep like kena itu magic powder. Except when we talked in the phone.

Dear JYE <3 , remember when we used to talk in the phone and fall asleep and the phone is turned off by itself ? I MISSED that .I used to talk to you every day .. every night. and now its been a while that we didn’t talk much.

But somehow this is life, we need to adapt and blend in . kan ? kalau ada problem, face it. Kalau ada bergaduh, we try to calm down. Hoho . kadang2 I cannot control my anger and I’ll turn into a horrible bitch .

I’ll scream and shout and mock and hurt myself like I lose my sanity.

But I know im a grown up lady. So, probably giving the white flag in early of argument is the best way to calm down. I don’t like argument. I dislike fighting. Silence is a good way too .but it gave many kind of results in the end.

Jadi semua tu depends sama macam mana kita handle itu situation.

Saya sayang itu orang. Sinta and sayang. C jjyyee.. ehee…

I duwan let any small argument to ruin us. Betul ini.

Tadi bah dia text … Jye called me with name, as usual like before.. macam sa mau lumpat2 sana katil ne . :D

I know I don’t want to lose my boyfie . ehehe.

Actually I cannot sleep becuz I missed dea... voice deaaa.... and to talk with her.

And plus with my neighbor …. Sukaaaaa betul menyanyi sampai lupa dunia… bagus kalau siokkk tu suara,

Nyamuk lagi … dui .. nyamuk Kmarudu memang kick dia punya size worr…. Basarrrr …

Haha…I miss her I miss her I miss her …. Duhhhhhh

so i decide to view our pictures again and again and yeah ... imma drop some of them here... <3

heehee ....i love ths one.

camwhoring lol

sa suka kacau c boyfie masa dia driving ...ni lah jadi dia.... sepa suruh telampau tinggi :D

Sigh …besok I need to wake up as early as 4.30am. mummy will be off to kk at 5am. Need to prepare them breakfast .. .bobby is going to his scout meeting at 6am.. nah gila… saya yg cuti tapi saya pun ikut juga dorang punya jadual ==.. tu lah kalau jadi perempuan urang bilangg…

On Monday start lagi hectic busy life. Duhh ingat lagi mau balik kolej … huahahhaha… .gila. but I cannot wait to see her then , wanna hug her tight . uurmmph .. I MISS YOU JYE.

Sweet dream and Good night <3