Worth It :)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.............. my hardwork and effort paid off. life is fair after all. he'd shown good sign to me all these while now.. as i told him i wanna forget and forgive everything from the past .. and that i wanted us to start again.

And he showed his effort too.

second thing that i noticed was that jamanda is no longer keep looking for him since the night yg i cried becuz she did . and he saw how hurt i was that night even though they were just talking . yea "talking"

rajin suda serizawa send me selfies and pics of his everyday .. 

i noticed that he is no longer being harsh to me and try to spend time with me everytime he could. mmm .. feel so blissful. 

i just hope that this wont last but who knows.. palis2 semoga jamanda tidak lg menganggu but if she do, apa bole buat la kan..  kalau apa apa terjadi pun tu bukan pilihan sy..n bukan salah sy jg..serizawa yg rugi . 

anyway .. im looking forward to see him daily and missing him as much as i do everyday . and knowing that he felt the same way too is more than enough for me to keep holding on. stupid,maybe? but worth it. somehow yes.. 

:)

Happiness is a scary thing.

so.... the outcome of all those days after his birthday .

i'll tell it piece by piece now, i try k.😏😏

Serizawa has been behaving reaaaally good these few weeks.. he literally keep syg me more, and even do the gestures in front of his friends. He will take chances to hold my hands or giving me hugs, and simply a kiss. I love what he did, but i'm afraid at the same time. 

The more he does that, the more i feel like wanted to walk away, because everytime i take the happiness openly, i will get sad soon after, coz bad things will happened. 

betul bah kan?? sepa lagi selalu mengalami keadaan begini ?

then, he changed to quite better now , nda lagi buat perangai .. and jamanda masih lg menganggu but sy tidak mau kisah sudah lah . everytime she came to MC and serizawa will accompany her whenever she went out of the door, and when he came back to me he'll try as hard to show that he'd done nothing wrong outside. yeaaaa righhtttt.

and as for me, i've been sticking to my decision of taking less concern towards him, no more good morning text, or simply texting as usual, or giving much attention or showing jealousy etc because hati sy jadi sejuk suda, as cold but as hard as i really wish he knew how much i needed him.

sigh.

Ada tu satu malam he shouted to my face, staring right to my eyes, he shouted my name "Shoney!!", and as i looked at him, he said subtly and with his sweet ass face, he said " I LOVE YOU" loudly . staga ..merah bah muka sy ..telinga lg panas .. mana ada pmpuan tidak melting kan begitu? such a womanizer of his own . sigh .. but he kept staring at me till i said " i love you too" to him then he walked happily out of my workplace. kima .. banyak gula betul sy rasa time tu.

then the next day sy smoke herbs .. i went to work stoned. sometimes i do that to keep me going and to help me endure the exhaustion of working from day to night. tp since i was high kan .. when i saw him, he approached me and told me that he wanna meet me afterwork. but tidak tau apa gila sy .. i took his hand and put it on my neck and forehead.. dia bilg " kau sakit ka ? " i nodded. padahal sy high .. hahahahha gadamnit shoney .
So he texted me the next day to rest much . kamu tau ka since ada c jamanda dulu dia nda pernah mau cakap gini sama sy . and now he did it again. i mean he changed to be the old serizawa that i knew. slowly he keep coming back to me . sigh ..but i am too scared i might lose him this time that i act like i had already lose him . serious sy takut betul kehilangan lagi sekali jadi sy tidak mau expect anything this time around. like, i cannot afford that to get that painful feeling sudah,...
but every single day i pray to God to seek for answer, and things happened in order , and it surprises me everytime. ko tau ka mcm benda yg ko wish tu terjadi, serious la GOd is very amazing. thanks Lord.

he showed me jealousy whenever i talk to other guy, and show his dominance whenever any guy got into the way to talk to me, termasuk la his friends,. siok jg kan kalau dia begini sampai bila2 ??  sy rasa protected and wanna protect myself from other guy, like it happened just like that, tiada paksaan, just naturally because i love him and i want him . memang sy admit sudah sy fall deeper this time because we meet each other almost every day. some times after work we will meet and have supper or simply just spend time together.

call me crazy but this literally happening to my life right now. he is the reason i couldnt date with other guy because i just couldnt let go of the feeling . even beberapa org suda tried to court me and proposed to marry me, i could close my eyes and say no. Serizawa, loving you costs me my life ya'know . kalau si mummy tanya sya bila sy mau bawa bf jumpa dia, i just could change the topic sebab takkan sy mau bagitahu yg i loved someone that i cant have ?

yeap ,..this is me and his problems. sedih bah . sedih betul . but whenever i ask him whether he wanna let go of me or not, he said he loved me . ma, i'm sorry ma, but i think i wouldnt get marry in this life. sy tidak dpt tipu diri sendiri

but since i willingly devoting my time and space for this relationship, then i have to accept the consequences la kan ..

time will heal everything, be it a blessing or a lesson to me and him .

People Started to CARE When i Stopped Doing It . :)

Finally, i can see it right before my own eyes. 

this is a story about serizawa. 

i will start slowly and try to make it as short as i can.

so how do i start ??

haha..ok here we go .Serizawa started as my crush since 2012 ( time ni belum move on psl ajin and lepas jeremy left i went single for a while) 

then i met Serizawa. he was...urmmm... handsome nda jg la. ya he is a guy, tapi character dia..mmg your dream guy la kali.. asshole but a good person. definitely. Sorry i forgot to mention about myself yg sy ini indirectly bisex. sy pun tidak dpt explain kenapa but once you go black, you can never go back. 

BUT

I met Serizawa. we were good together ( as acquaintances) and we hung out many times together with my friends. even Vivie and Deana was there all along the scenes and they knew what's going on between me and Serizawa. 

Back then Serizawa asked me to be his girlfriend (well, eventually) after a plenty times going out together (casual drink and chit chat) . i admitted that time i did have a crush on him but cannot afford to have a relationship just yet.. so he understood .. until we reached a point that we couldnt hide it anymore, so we both agreed to be together .. 

but it's not that easy. he was somebody that i totally couldnt expect and when he told me about his background and past, i finally understood , and it's not easy for us both. but we did hold onto it.

so months after months, another new year come. and we were happy and all that (at least that's what i believed we were )  till something hit us. he have to let me go and then Lily(bukan nama sebenar) came into his life. i was crying with all my heart and feel so broken and sikiiiiiiiit lg sy mau p mati lol (biasa la ba kan) .

i remembered that one night he called and apologized, heartfully saying those words and cried and told me that he didnt want it to go this way .. and that he still loves me. (mcm drama kuria jg la kalau sy flashback balik ). yg scene come clean and  nangis2 tu .. puiih (ok sy nda minat drama korea so dont judge me)

so time ni la sy confused. are we still in love with each other ? because i still do. and i dont know if he felt the same, but we didnt stop contacting until i decided to go for a hiatus mode. i went ghost for months or probably a year .. and we stop contacting.. 

he looked for me through wechat, and yea masa ni wechat ja sy ada.. we were talking as if we were still together.. and we talked a lot about lilly and that i wanna see her someday (but skg kami tidak tau suda apa berita dia). we talked about life and talked about us. and begitu seja la on and off on and off but i really feel the affection.

so .. dalam bulan2 yg kami lost contact tu.. i met Jye balik ... she wanna get back to me and so sy terima. but we realized that we couldn't make it along . she found a love rebound and left.jadi single lg balik sy ni... bila sy start contact sma Serizawa balik sy stay single..coz i realized i couldnt replace him for someone new.. till 2016.. then there come Dianne. sy suka mata dia n suara dia mnyanyi ..so sy say hi sma dia.. di ig.. she asked to go out with me for some coffee and talk.. and i agreed

start from there we start talking, through telegram ..coz sy tidak mahu install whatsapp... (seriously im battling with my inner self everyday, trying to not be so anti social) sy depressed ba kan sbb in the same time tu past sy sma ajin masih menghantui sy  masa ni ( sy masih mimpi psl dia hampir every night for YEARS) .. org ckp kalau gitu means tu org rindu ko atau belum minta maaf sma ko ( and yes i think it's because of the second reason) tp tidak apa..AJIN, ,, it' s alright. Kosong2 suda kita sy kasi maaf ko betul2 .. sy syg ko sebagai kenangan lalu sy . thanks ajin :) 

jadi back to dianne (sammy bah ni) .. she is an amazing person .. serious sy suka character dia.. we talked a lots and suddenly she confessed to me about her feelings towards me. ok FIRST of ALL , sammy bukan pengkid. tomboy pun not exactly. she is totally a genuine girl. But 13 days, for me terlampau singkat untk kau start ada feeling sma org kan . and sebenarnya sy minat btl dia (u know that flirty eyes and lips and husky voice) gila kalau sy lelaki pun sy nda lepas bah .. story life dia amazing and dia independent la kan  tp honestly sy tidak suka yg org org sekeliling dia (banyak drama bah) so i dont think i could fit in. sy nda ble tolerate sma toxic ppl suda sebenarnya.

we talked and argued about a lot of things.. and in the meantime tiba tiba lg NAN dtg balik dlm hidup sy .. as a friend.. but she approached me as if dia mau balik dgn sy .. and i told sammy about it . i told her about how nan treated me back then and how she wanna get back to me now.. sammy said dont but sy pula yg confused. and as sammy confessed tu kan , i said no sbb sy takut btl dia hurt.. tidak mau half baked relationship sy bilang and it was a bit in a rush la kan baru 13 days seja ba kami kenal..but sy syg dia. and i wished her happiness. yayang came into her lfie and she faded away from mine. kami tidak stop contact cara baik but sy harap yg baik2 seja untuk dia..

and i get back to nan , but once again nan failed me in the most cruelest way. 

okay but it's alright ...im used to being hurt.

masa sy couple sma nan tu ..Serizawa cari sy .. 

he scolded me on how disgusting i could be .. and he asked why not be with another guy seja.. aahh.. so i told him .. if it wasnt him, then i couldnt find anybody else. he scolded me again and being harsh but i could sense how he cared about me .. he didnt stop contacting me ever since. but as a somebody la sbb kami bukan kwn bukan jg couple . 

then in God's will, Nan left . 

after this kan,.. sy jadi depressed lg balik .. but tried as hard to be happy la. sy p penang satu org jalan2 .. kasi tenang fikiran,nobody knows but i enjoyed my time. i met people on the street, i took pictures (but sadddddly gmbr2 sy hilang sbb MicroSD rosak) sial .... i went to places.. stayed there for 3 days good and went back to Sabah with a peaceful heart..  sy buka whatsapp ..changed number .. and buka instagram lol .. main balik sma social media la. tp fb sy sentiasa aktif k ..

changed my num and i told Serizawa. time passed>>>2017 December.. i started to do night job.. time ni sy bangun sudah balik ..sy happy suda balik ..thanks God i have my sister and family with me. and Serizawa as well .. 

since then, i meet Serizawa almost every day ..secara nda langsung la kami get back balik kan .. spend the night talking and shared gestures ..had a good times.. i had peace in my heart...

till there's jamanda (bukan nama sebenar). Serizawa started to change when she is around. i noticed that and i told him i dont like what i see . he said i have nothing to worry about .. but you know la woman's instinct kan. sampai satu tahap sy marah dia..sy ckp jgn tipu sy.. kalau masih syg jgn ego .. and he told me he still loves me. WORDS. merely words. tp gaya dia bila jamanda is around berubah sudah la.. mau jaga hati sy kali kan tp blakang sy sepa tahu ? lel.. 

and his character changed in time.  i told him i missed the old him . 

he said as if he is a new guy and his old self has died. is dead.

yet.. we went good and okay la..gaduh2 bbaik gaduh2 bbaik .. it went on till this month. i did so much for him and idk if he realized how i stayed by his side all the time . he said he smoked pot, so i bought myself a stash of MJ and tried it to see how it;s like to be him .and he scolded me for that. but till now, i couldnt stop taking this rainbow pills sudah.. what's done is done. choices, i choose not to stop..bcuz in the same time i feel peace and calm so i wont be arguing with Serizawa alot.thanks MJ

so one night. 

Jamanda made something ridiculous yg memang sial la ba ni tondu .. and made Serizawa to scold me. wlupun bukan salah sy. sy ckp la ada apa sma ni pmpuan smpai dia bgitu dgn sy .. apa effort dia sma ko, apa dia pernah buat utk ko...dia ada di sisi ko kah setiap masa.. and he couldnt answer them all. see ?? mesti sebab ORANG BARU bah trus hubungan kau rosak.. sial kan ?? 

but Serizawa apologized in the most sweet way, let alone funny. he started to focus on me and tried to be close to me each night. jadi sy forgave lg dia balik . eishh Serizawa.. Serizawa.. 

then i DECIDED to stop caring about what's going on between him and Jamanda. peduli la kamu mau buat apa sna sy bilg dlm hati walaupun sakit dia tidak terkata .dlm masa yg sma dia behave well sudah .. i was relieved tapi sy takutttt btl benda berulang so sy tidak mahu suda terlampau caring.

i stopped texting him first in the morning and stopped telling him whenever i reached home. 

then.

dia pun dengan ego dia. cuma showed gestures but never try to say sorry yg betul2.. benci oh kan ?? beberapa hari ni dia try to get my attention but sy pula still with my guards up high.. sy buat mcm budu seja .. 

so this has been going on for four days till last night,.. he was there at my workplace... kami eye contact seja tp didnt say a word.. kadang mcm sy mau tabak2 dia bah kadang mcm sy mau kiss seja ni org ...ee entah .. dia pun went around wherever i go ..sy mau p luar dia pun p luar tp tidak terngam masa jadi kami berlimpas2 seja.. damn benci sy oh ..

so sy p toilet la. as i washed my hands, suddenly he came and grabbed my waist from the back, hugged me from the back.. and kissed my lips .. kamu tau ka apa perasaan sy time ni ? terkejut tp happy la bah kan kima.  i think dia rasa sudah bah tu kehilangan sy. mau attention dri sy seja,.. to be honest mungkin bikin geli geli kalau cerita tp cuba kamu yg jadi sy n alami .. trus bbunga yg hati ok..

tp entah ,. trus dia balik la sy pula hanging sna masih tbayang apa dia buat tadi . Eeee sy rindu ko ba budu .. i know he feels so too  tp terlampau ego bah kan ??? but i decided to not to text him juga. .till now sy tiada text dia.. 

in the same time sy mau move on bah ni idk if he could go on without me, sy mmg nda boleh tp i've been thru this , so apa juga tu kan sekali lagi ... hahah shit 

tonight sy harap sy tidak sakit hati lg .. tengok dulu perangai dia . 

semoga Tuhan bagi sy jalan n kasi nampak sy apa yg sepatutnya sy buat la sma hidup sy.. kalau c Serizawa jodoh kuat sma sy .. thank you la..tp if bukan juga..sy harap Tuhan kasi buka mata n hati sy lah .. in GOd's will .. sy try untuk jadi senormal yg boleh ..but thanks God sy bahagia skg . hehe .. kasi Amen seja la ah . 

bah tu seja story about Serizawa ..kalau kamu ada follow cerita sy sblum2 ni..kamu tau la Serizawa siapa. 

kbai