Happiness is a scary thing.

so.... the outcome of all those days after his birthday .

i'll tell it piece by piece now, i try k.😏😏

Serizawa has been behaving reaaaally good these few weeks.. he literally keep syg me more, and even do the gestures in front of his friends. He will take chances to hold my hands or giving me hugs, and simply a kiss. I love what he did, but i'm afraid at the same time. 

The more he does that, the more i feel like wanted to walk away, because everytime i take the happiness openly, i will get sad soon after, coz bad things will happened. 

betul bah kan?? sepa lagi selalu mengalami keadaan begini ?

then, he changed to quite better now , nda lagi buat perangai .. and jamanda masih lg menganggu but sy tidak mau kisah sudah lah . everytime she came to MC and serizawa will accompany her whenever she went out of the door, and when he came back to me he'll try as hard to show that he'd done nothing wrong outside. yeaaaa righhtttt.

and as for me, i've been sticking to my decision of taking less concern towards him, no more good morning text, or simply texting as usual, or giving much attention or showing jealousy etc because hati sy jadi sejuk suda, as cold but as hard as i really wish he knew how much i needed him.

sigh.

Ada tu satu malam he shouted to my face, staring right to my eyes, he shouted my name "Shoney!!", and as i looked at him, he said subtly and with his sweet ass face, he said " I LOVE YOU" loudly . staga ..merah bah muka sy ..telinga lg panas .. mana ada pmpuan tidak melting kan begitu? such a womanizer of his own . sigh .. but he kept staring at me till i said " i love you too" to him then he walked happily out of my workplace. kima .. banyak gula betul sy rasa time tu.

then the next day sy smoke herbs .. i went to work stoned. sometimes i do that to keep me going and to help me endure the exhaustion of working from day to night. tp since i was high kan .. when i saw him, he approached me and told me that he wanna meet me afterwork. but tidak tau apa gila sy .. i took his hand and put it on my neck and forehead.. dia bilg " kau sakit ka ? " i nodded. padahal sy high .. hahahahha gadamnit shoney .
So he texted me the next day to rest much . kamu tau ka since ada c jamanda dulu dia nda pernah mau cakap gini sama sy . and now he did it again. i mean he changed to be the old serizawa that i knew. slowly he keep coming back to me . sigh ..but i am too scared i might lose him this time that i act like i had already lose him . serious sy takut betul kehilangan lagi sekali jadi sy tidak mau expect anything this time around. like, i cannot afford that to get that painful feeling sudah,...
but every single day i pray to God to seek for answer, and things happened in order , and it surprises me everytime. ko tau ka mcm benda yg ko wish tu terjadi, serious la GOd is very amazing. thanks Lord.

he showed me jealousy whenever i talk to other guy, and show his dominance whenever any guy got into the way to talk to me, termasuk la his friends,. siok jg kan kalau dia begini sampai bila2 ??  sy rasa protected and wanna protect myself from other guy, like it happened just like that, tiada paksaan, just naturally because i love him and i want him . memang sy admit sudah sy fall deeper this time because we meet each other almost every day. some times after work we will meet and have supper or simply just spend time together.

call me crazy but this literally happening to my life right now. he is the reason i couldnt date with other guy because i just couldnt let go of the feeling . even beberapa org suda tried to court me and proposed to marry me, i could close my eyes and say no. Serizawa, loving you costs me my life ya'know . kalau si mummy tanya sya bila sy mau bawa bf jumpa dia, i just could change the topic sebab takkan sy mau bagitahu yg i loved someone that i cant have ?

yeap ,..this is me and his problems. sedih bah . sedih betul . but whenever i ask him whether he wanna let go of me or not, he said he loved me . ma, i'm sorry ma, but i think i wouldnt get marry in this life. sy tidak dpt tipu diri sendiri

but since i willingly devoting my time and space for this relationship, then i have to accept the consequences la kan ..

time will heal everything, be it a blessing or a lesson to me and him .