Invisible.

It takes two to tango. Well, at least that's what everybody say.

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

You scare ‘the one’ away by scaring yourself away first.

As soon as you’re happy in a relationship, your brain decides that it’s time to start coming up with a million reasons why this is a bad idea or why your relationship must be doomed. And as supportive as your partner tries to be, it can be difficult for them not to get thrown off or hurt when you can’t help but constantly overthink everything about the relationship and all the reasons why it must be wrong. So rather than scaring them off, you really end up just scaring yourself so much so that they feel they have no other option but to walk awa☝💓y..

Being Happy is the best Revenge.

            

                

So....  Today will be the day that i'm gonna mark for history. 

Jadi c Eyla ni pigi la msg sy kan tadi yg jam 11.50pm ... Which i thought  was urgent or what,  because she seldom finds me on odd hours.  

Then she sent me this. This picture.  And i was laughing with my wtf face,  telling her...  " oh,  sy nda tau pula sebab kami berblock with each other" then she said "which is why i ss this fer ya" ...ba thank you sangat la k eyla.  

This girl.  This is chabey.  Shazriennah nama dia.  Well apparently,  she used to be someone yg significant dalam hidup sy sebab ter-rampas ajin dari saya.  Well, sebenarnya diorang dua dua mau dan rela pula tu.  

Surprisingly,  seeing this pic does not make any, any fucking (tiru gaya King Coco bckap) Shit to me.  Mampu lagi sy ketawa bah sebab lucu nya kan kawan sy p msg tengah malam utk show benda ni saja.

Then,  i made a very bold move la selepas itu....  Saya pgi facebook,  pg button blocking,  and i UNBLOCKED c chabey ni.  With a big heart and a wide smile.  Lepas tu,  sy pegi check post c Zunimah (ajin's lil sis)  , sbab di sana yg c eyla ss tu gmbar di atas,  and yes..  I could clearly see her though (chabey) . Then, with my own will i clicked on her name and scroll through her facebook.  Surprisingly,  tiada feeeeeeeling sayaaaa... OH MY GOD......  Saya bebas suda...  Freedom yg betul betul.   Sy tiada suda rasa sakit n tiada langsung rasa mau memaki. Dan sy happy lagi sebab tengok ajin makin gemuk.. Bahagia btul diorang aoh..  I was like,  mmmm looking forward to see them berkahwin.  At least ajin berubah jadi someone yg boleh diharap.  

 And then eyla asked me, " dia x penah kah pukul c chabey? ".. So i answered..  I guess nope. Because they two were happily together.  Biar saya saja yg pernah rasa betapa psycho nya dia dulu...  Makan tangan dia maki dia sma hinaan dia and macam² . Mati saja nda.  

Ajin.. This guy..  He was mine for atleast seven years and.. Yea..  Number doesnt define how strong your relationship could be. He wasnt meant for me, that's why he hurt me.  That's why God sent him another girl to replace me so i can be free.  

Now i understand..  Well sebenarnya lama sudah saya understood.  I know this is my acceptance and i am willingly accepting this fate.  Dan sy bersyukur sebab sy bebas dari tu semua...  

Revenge?  Haha.   Dulu iya la..  Saya betul betul mau bunuh c ajin.  Tapi sy sedar...  When we revenge on someone,  we can't be happy.  The past will always gonna haunt us and it's not a good thing.  Sy lebih selesa untuk pilih mau let go.  Thing is,  i have better plan for tomorrow.  We will never know what is gonna happen today,  that's why we call it present.  Whether it is  good or bad,  we will always gonna learn  something from it.  

Ajin has taught me how to live in a cruel world.  And i am thankful for that. Sy doa saja yg dia x buat perempuan lain mcm dia buat sy.  But i think he has changed.  Syukur pd Tuhan.  

 Apparently..  Many magical things happened to me these lately..  Len ada cari saya.  She told me that she has been looking for me for the past few years selepas kami graduate.  Yea.  My ex lessy.  Dia sudah kawin.  Straight nda straight sy tidak pasti.  She was so happy that i replied her msg and so i made time To chat with her.  She told me..  Dlu masa dia pilih fazey over me,  she said..  She was using her head not her heart.  And i was like "oooo... Kaeyyy" .. And then she was like ya..  Sy jujur sudah ni.  I regret that i 've made such a big mistake.  ...  Ko x pernah jahat dengan saya sekalipun.  Ko diam walaupun sy jahat sama ko. 

 Yea.. She've said it.  Atleast.  She tried to make peace with her present bah ni kan...  Sy pun lega juga dapat tau apa dia mau bagitahu.  Oh well.  Bukan senang tu kasi lepas org yg kita syg.  Tapi jujur la..  Every breakups started from people, not me.  Saya slalu cuba untuk sentiasa buat yg baik baik saja utk couple sy.  Syukur,  dia masih ingat sy even tho dia sudah kawin. And she said she still syg saya..  Erks...  Len..  Sudah sudah la k.  Jangan juga jadi bisex kalau sudah berkawin.  

 So kami berbaik..   Tapi...  Mantan mantan sy kbnyakan sudah cari saya balik to apologize.  

Ya sy forgive kamu.  N saya harap kamu forgive saya juga.  Sy forgive ajin..  Sy forgive chabey.  Saya forgive Nana,  .. Sy forgive Jie..  forgive Lenn..  And also..  Yichi.  Deana..  And  sya forgive org org yg pernah aniaya sy sepanjang masa sy belajar dj kolej n hidup sendiri.  

 But to be honest..  Sy belum dapat forgive Boneyfee.  Seumur hidup saya...  

So.  Yeah. 

Today will be the history.  Of my life.  Sy doa chabey dan ajin dpt kawin cpt cpt...  You guys are meant to be together.  And as for me?  ... :) in God's will.  

DEAR HATERS STALKERS BEETCHES [READ THIS UP]

THANKS FOR YOUR TIME OF KEEP UPDATING YOURSELF ABOUT ME, SEARCHING ABOUT ME ON THE INTERNET WHATSOEVER . I AM GLAD IT WASNT ME WHO KEPT ON  STALKING ON PEOPLE'S LIFE :) 

FUNNAY . 

I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT YOU HAD ENOUGH FANS ALREADY AND NOT NEEDING TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS . WHY, FEEL SO INSECURE ?? 

HOW PATHETIC. 

I GOT THREE WORDS FOR YA ~

[G]ET [A] [L]iFE ~ <3

MUCH LOVE AND SMILES - Le Fennica

Do Now , Regret Later .

I guess thats how i should describe it. few people that ever exists in my life, gave me a significant impact on how i react towards their behaviour. 

it is not about me,  it never was. But when you started to get along with me, doesn't matter as a friend, good friend, acquaintances of just hi bye friend,  it all counts on how you value the moment, as i've said, it never was about me.  but since i had met a lot and a lot of people with " do now regret later " kind of attitude, i started to become a pessimist over it. i never have a good feeling over everything, after all that had happened. so i became a pure heartless person. once you did it, then i make my decision then we're all good. sometimes, sorry is not the right word at any point. 

i decide to left. feeling of seeing and having too much toxic people in my life , i should have a break now . set myself free from any unnecessary troubles. 

so lets move on to my story that happened along these few months when i take quite a long time to blogging again. 

 .

#serizawa : he has lily . 13th July 2013 . i wanna remember this date for my entire life. but  i never had a chance to get to see her , never for once. then once again we started to talk again . one thing that came out from his mouth was '' i'm sorry " .and bla3... and at that point when he said that i feel totally nothing ,.i dont even feel like wanna go mad at him at him or whatsoever.today he texted me and i ignored.  lol . sorry but i dont feel like talking to anyone at all . lets just be this way and let the time flies . 

#somebody that i used to know :  she texted me and even made a few calls which i didnt pick up . yes, after a while then i smell the feeling of regret.  seriously i have been hurt by this type of betrayal and to be friends like before, let me just deal my feeling with  God. sigh**  she told me that she was sorry for her deeds, it makes my heart bleed.  but i know it is alright to forgive and let things go . so indeed i forgave her. but i dont wish to have any more toxic in my life. 

#life : i am getting good with finance and life . i followed what people do and just getting along with the human group. haa~ i feel so alienated actually. people at my workplace, who use to be like friends to me...they always pick me as the weakest person in the group. im always being the underdog and been stepped on and yeah,,..i dont really know how to backfire these people.they play with name calls and body shaming,i HATE it. but i still stay positive and told myself not to think much about it.  they thought they did that and can be my friends, but to me, is it a very inappropriate attitude to have when getting along with me. sooner or later, i eventually still choose to have my high school buddies to count as my best buddies ever. they were silent but always there. no matter how, they never insults me and even try to do anything to hurt me. probably not just yet. but as far as i knew, they were totally fine with me.  

#about me: i spent most of my time at home. because i dont really have a life, i assumed it that way . i worked 12-14 hours daily, back home ,continue doing the chores and i get to go to bed only at 1-2am and wake up at 0600am everyday and the cyle went on and on. but Congrats to myself, i managed to achieve a year period working in one place. yay ~ being an adult is never that fun. unless you know how to value everything. 

life is hard at the city,. everything needs money . like seriously. you have to strive hard for just a little gaining. sigh** life still goes on

so i just get to have some time when i go out with my colleagues and that is all .

#random : i went out with big brother, meeting his friends which also became my friends. its fun :) imma put some sneak peek pics afterward k ? ^^ no bad judgement please.

* i even get to attend my friend's wedding . which i think the first wedding ever that i went with friend.  every wedding before i get to attend with my own family and white ghost family . 

*meeting new people in life. new as in meeting friends. but surprisingly, people i met were all good in singing and playing guitar. dangg~~ i am so blessed :) 

* i turn down every guy that tries to get closer than just a friend. i dont know, i just dont feel like it. lol . apa la sy cakap ni . so there i go. single and not searching.  serizawa ?? well.. my heart says no already . :) 

haa... time is what i need. i dont have time to pamper myself. wayyyy too busy . but i have the feeling of everyday that i dont want people to look for me.cuz when i have time to rest that's where people look for me for a citchat or for help or just being ignorant about how tired i am .well, since i m also a user of #weChat, #whatsapp #ChatOn and all those stuff.  I hate most of the time when people look for me while gaming. i hate to pause my game and so i became the bad person in people's eyes.  wudevvaaaa~ words cant let me down, take it or leave it. 

i leveled up this year. congrats to me~ ha ha... another year older and another year of change. but you know what i wished for on my birthday ~ ? i wish for a looooong vacation with salary pay~! lol. 

Gosh .. i think that should be a wrap by now.. imma insert some pics and yea thanks to those who reads .  ^.....^ ~ ciaoz! 

          》*************************************《

 

 

BYE~

.

[a]nything [c]an [h]appen

Too funnay i guess ? 


   when a good friend of yours willing to talk bad behind you just because she gets insecure of what she had had owned from ever since . 

I see, i read, i analyzed and i conclude, my decision and my respond towards this matter . for God's sake, why would you be angry towards your own good friend when what she did was only being  friend too, with your boyfriend ? was it against the law, i mean like seriously, was it ?

 i've been hurt a thousand times, and i been leaving friends behind for taking me for granted. now its your turn ? gaah .... i should have  had talked to you earlier but i guess you've been crossing the line like every haters does. 

now i wanna archive this, either you got to see it in the future or not,its up to you. i own nothing and neither will do anything more like you did on me. 

so this girl who used to be a good friend of mine since college, now she is spreading around rumors and hatred about me to other people, managed to brought in another two of her species and started barking through all medium they can reach in the internet . like seriously i never thot such an educated pretty lady could look so fugly when it comes to guy. i know how its like when ur man is being disturbed, been there and been so fugly too, but in this case i think you're just too over protective and insecure girl .

 how could a friend of yours being there around saying and telling other people that i am a slut , much likely saying the things out of her mouth has been hurting me a lot , because even tho i know about her dark sides i didnt betray or telling shyt to other people like what she's doing now. 

and the best part was that she said to other whom i assumed as strangers,was  " she even fucked the whole society in XX " ,"she's like indian, fat bla bla bla" . 

so do you think writing this whole shyt on the wall in wechat and facebook would gonna kill me ? you did let me down because of your doings, but no i aint gonna die. being immature is what you are. why wouldnt you use your own acc to do so, and why wouldnt you face me and say it straight to my face ?

do i have to remind you bout those girls you hanging out and clinging with right now were those girls you ever talked bad behind them too,,... ? and guess what, i was the friend who've been there listening. 

the skinny one, like seriously, you called her slut too,... and now ..guess what..she is like you best friend evaa ?? hahahha ... and another one, whom you called retarded and slutty before, now you being friends with them and drink one table with them even more. doubled face? least i didnt being hypocrite and could entertain the people that i disliked in my life. talking bout being a drama queen. i guess we're on the same level now. oh wait... i am not the same level as you are my dear so-called friend. 

    so okay, you tell everyone that i fucked everyone, do i have to list down all your doings and say it straight to your face? saying that i am an indian, well there is nothing wrong about it,, but you, are, being a racist now. but do i have to remind you about that indian doc you used to go out with before ? i tell you, i never date any of them in my whole entire life, but guess what,,, you did, and you, are making fun of them .oh well,. i  guess,,, the most sensitive matter in here was about making out. its being the utter most problem that i think really immature to start with towards the public. 

    when white ghost asked me to stop being friends with you since the past two years ago, i ignored him , because i liked being friends with you. you skip classes and exam, do i stop being like the one who always ask you to come to class ? rather than being the one who ask you to go out and drink every single nite. 


do you remember Ting ? she was your bestfriend evaa, and you talked bad behind her for all these while and still being friends with her. i guess you do it to all of your so called best friends? too mainstream already .

now i tell you what, your so-called boyfriend, was my friend too, ever since we all get to know their gang he has been a friend to me . do i have to let you know how hurt he was when he find me asking opinion about you and you never did appreciating him all these while ? when he asked, do she have a lots of guys behind me ?guess what my dear, i told him i dont know . he was seeking for a future wife and i even recommended you, and you know what, he sighed when he talked about you. he was at home when you were out there happily drinking with your so called friends at night. do you ever thot of finding out the true story behind all this ? 

now you being mad at me becus you found out bout our conversation. duhh ? it was about my blood puke and my sickness. was it even wrong to you ? when you talked to my ex before in facebook, i was like yeah jealous but i did not being so paranoid and like what, beetching around about you .

         so if he is your boyfriend why would you even feel ashamed to let the world to know who he was to you ? or what... is he being like your puppet becuz he was rich and you felt like imma grab that from you ? goshh ... i got a job. do you have any ? none. i got good grades in my dip, did i like choosing friends based on their education level or got employment or not ? i am not. talking about money, yes if i could have any chances to win cash big time, i would. but talking about stealing your so called boyfriend ? gaaahh ...i had myself a crush of my own. even better . i am not going to let this all out if werent because of your doings.

go ahead, spread rumors and bad news about me all around dear. i am just gonna stop right here... in this very blog of mine. if you happened to go thru this, just kill me. 

but i have to let you know, i let go people with negative vibes out from my life, i dont negotiate , i forgive you . but being friends? probably i need to deal that issue with God. i am a fragile heart and also got limit of patience. 

now what imma say to you is that , YOU WANT TO HAVE HIM SO MUCH,THEN DO NOT TAKE HIM FOR GRANTED. SO WHAT IF HE GOT A BABY, YOU STILL WANNA HAVE HIM AROUND ARENT YOU ? PUT HIM INSIDE YOUR POCKET AND DO NOT LET HIM TALK TO ANYONE. Nuff said .

it is okay that you keep writing shyt on your facebook wall, wechat wall and your whatsoever wall. i wait till you mention my name then i will face you . but talking bout being a double-face person, i hope you realise that u and those two girls are the one who suddenly get fuckin sick of me and still there in my friends list. like seriously, why do facebook must be the one who become the ugly part in here ? we are in our twenties and why would you become so immature like that ? i have been there , being the girl who was so emo and talk crap on my fb wall but that was like when i was eighteen or nineteen .. not at this age. i was there against my rival before and you were there too seeing it happened. we were young and childish at that time . but my perspective has changed now. 

i dont entertain such craps anymore. you hate me, so be it. out from my life. treat me like a dog ? okay . 

nuff saying from me. imma stop just right here and right here only. 
go ahead and gather your gangs. spread shyt about me. 
i wont die , thanks God that i got the sanity still and i appreciate what my mum advised on me. so yeah, im a grown up now. i m just gonna sit back and let you bark. to your so called boyfriend, imma just tell him how great it was to ever being a friend to him and now becus of one paranoid insecure girl like you, has ruin every friendship ever that is . i know anything can happen after this. even if you ask somebody to come and kill me,and even if i die of a waste,  here, i have already said this. Nv, i forgive you .

sad. 

good bye then.

Because im stupid

Since i dreamt about you few times recently.. seeing different girls in each.. it hurts me way too much. I guess i just missed you?

But at this moment i felt like stabing my self... i know it is very wrong to have sent you any text...but im sorry i cannot hold it. I gave you that song .. hoping that you might gonna like it ? But till that i feel uneasy till now. It was delivered tho. And i was like... what the heck are you doing sean??? ... urghhhh this is killing me..

 I dont know why did i do that. I know you must have lol-ed at me now right?

Anyway... i dont wanna give a damn what you might gonna assume about me. I just wanna share what i like tho. Either you listened to it or just had deleted it... im glad it was delivered.

By the way ... i hope the best of u now. I know i will never be the girl u want. Too many flaws. But what we ever had ... imma bring it to my grave... take care .

*sigh*

Again and again

Should i keep myself here?  i dont know. Its hurts to be me. Serizawa finds me back and apologized.

Apologized and then i dont know. I dont know if it considered that we made up and fix things up.

I just dont know.. his problem hasnt settle yet.and im actually about to get use with my loner busy life ... before he finds me back.

I dont want to be another person's shadow. If he wants me for real...he could have done more . Not money not stuff or luxuries . Nope. I got my own money . I just want him to know how to treat a girl righfully.

I gave us space . And time for own self.  I know i am not going anywhr. So i dont think he have to be worried about my whereabout. I dont know about him. He could have anybody else he want. He got what it takes.  I dont know anymore. Yet still im staying.

Gaah... sy la perempuan paaaaaaaaling budu d sabah.. sebab sy tidak tau mau bagi orang lain peluang.  sy memang mcm ni. Mau satu ja.. yg sy mau .. itu la seja yg sy syg.Huzmate even said so.yg mau sy . . Sy tolak... yg mau x mau sy.   Tu pula yg sy mau....bahHa... jadi andartu la ni kan sean ??,

 Haih.. cakap betul kan.. priority sy bulan lalu actually suda tukar. And i almost achieved my monthly goal. Sy berjaya earn some saving and get what i need for my health and needs. I managed to make my mummy smiled and fixed our relation in the house.but dunno la... mcm sy ada distraction sikit trus bulan ni mcm gini lagi balik.. i think too much bah ni.

So i took myself away from hectic city for two weeks.spent some quality times with my family.seriously.... betul cakap my gf. . Dont keep yourself too attached with anybody else except your own family. They are the core of everything . Strength for example.

Sy rasa heaven bila dekat sma family. Tp my sister nda dpt bsama kami.thats bad. Daddy even more. Been years since we never meet anymore. I have a sad family tree but i appreciate what i still have here.

Now my goal ? Is to help my mummy.. and be happy with my life. Serizawa and me. I dont know if he really want to do this. sy boleh stick sama dia  ..he knows how i am. But i dont know if he could do the same. Nope.. i dont wanna expect anything.  I moved on from the past . Even it lingers in my mind sometimes. I know now how to endure the pain.

Sy namau benda remeh yg negative ganggu sy.

Well i hope serizawa knows. I dont mind if he choose other girl juga.   Sy mau simple thing seja. Once u got other choice.. count me  out.

;)

 But now we're fine. I just go w d flow. ada. .ada la.. teda... teda la..

 I love what i got...i love what i had.  .. i love what i ever had and still have.  Appreciate. Dari dulu lagi ni ja sy simpan dlm kepala otak sy. Teda sudah sy tau buat selain ni  . Kan sy budu. Haha. Blah. Ok la puas liao me merapu. Actually sy mau cakap semua tp biarla.. kumpul2 dlu ni budu kan . Haha  ciaoz