The Bottled Feelings

I went half insane just becuz of you.
I don’t know else whether I am still me or became someone else that I don’t even know who .
Its just that I want you to listen and understand.
I have been there for you each time you start to speak .and I listen to every word you said. I tried my best to understand that you wanted all the times you needed for your life and yourself .
But .. why wont you do the same thing for me ?
all I asked for is you become all ears to me , just once and that’s it. I don’t need conclusion, nor any explanation to the things that I wanted to let you know. But please, treat me once as who I am, and listen, keep quiet and stay there and just once, try to L I S T E N .
I become half insane and almost everyday the thought of dying has become one with me.

.

Do you ever realize ? things . simple things. The things that you don’t even bother to look up for ? . nope.
But since you never try, or giving any shot to it, I think I rather jot it down and maybe somehow, someday, some other time, when I am gone , from your life, you might found out this and read .
You being so mean to me with your doings.
Do you know that, since that day you left me alone in the empty house and when its blackout and darkness crept into my mind, I tried all chances that I got to reach u and asked you to come back and be my companion, AND YOU NEVER COME BACK, but instead you went out seeing that other girl till the other next day you came back just to take your farking gold watch and ring from me.
DID I ASK YOU TO COME BACK AGAIN THAT TIME ? no. hell no.
I persuade my heart to be just independent to myself and stand on my own feet. And you came back, simply yelling at me asking me to pack up my things and follow you back home. I told you to leave and you stayed there raising up your voice, slamming my door and yeah become the centre of attention to the neighborhood. Its humiliating me, do you realize that?
And so like a dog, I follow what you said. SATISFIED enuff ? I don’t think so .
You brought me to your home and that’s it. I knew, you send and fetch me daily to my workplace, I know, you spent moneys eating out every day with me at our regular fave place, I know you were being there in front of me hypocritely and to ensure that I would thought you are being there for me .
But its not what I want.
I wish all your other girls hears it when you said that they’re not worthy.
I wish I am not the only one that you dare to confess like it.
“ ko ingat yang ko selalu Nampak sy berkol tu , seriously bukan c enna seja, betul ni . even kalau dia bukan dengan sy pun, akan ada lagi yang lain”
How would you feel if you become the girl that you mentioned about heard about it, just from your very own lips ?
Yea I know, you just toying them around .
Saying that you might gonna stay that way forever.
I don’t care about that.
All I want is you, saw me and understand how am I gonna get thru all this.
After you made me cry today, the next day you’ll give the biggest warmest hug and kisses ever to me, it repeats.
Why ? What am I ?
Why would you keep me close to you and stay with you if you could not even certain what are we now. Saying I am totally different from those girls. And when I asked what am I to you, you simply just cannot farking answer ME !
I don’t understand.
I went crazy trying to figure out why wont you stop doing this. Stop toying people around.
Do you ever remember that you told me, believe in KARMA ?
Hell why do you put yourself on it then ???

To be truthful to you, I wish you ever realized that

I am that girl that cared about your feeling though you not. Despite of you kept raising your voice on me, and treating me like biscuit, I still put myself to neutral trying hard to tell myself, ‘’forgive him, just forgive him’’
I am that girl that cried to the max when you told me you loved me and you hugs me tight whilst the other day you told the same stories to those other girls. my soul is dying and my heart is completely torn apart .

I am that girl that stayed strong and become all ears to you when you have your problem and being there as your shoulder without asking anything in return. I just loved you and that’s it.

I am that girl that you brought along went around going anywhere with you and accompany you without even considering whether I was tired or having other priority beside.
I am that girl that did the laundry for you and put off the mess you did in your room even if you kept doing it again and again.
I am that girl that saw your farking videos and pictures with other girl and cried and here I am still being there for you .
I am that girl that always being quiet when you mad at other people and you put your anger towards me and all I can do is to take it in swallow it deeply and cried.
I am that girl that hugs you every night when you were sleeping and sleep only after you are totally asleep.
I am that girl that you hurt everyday when you keep selling love stories to me, trying to cheer me up and in the end, still you went and find those other girls.
STUPID enuff. That’s me .
Why ajin ? you trying to pull off karma on me? Well its painful enuf.
I cant do what I’d actually decide to do becuz you are there in every corners of my life.,. I m stucked here, no life, no any real smile.
I wonder why, we went to every place, and I don’t know why those other girl never notice that ? we were together in the public and yet, they never notice that ? or am I just being blinded and you twist up stories to them so that they wont run ?

GOD I wish I had all the answers to my questions.
All I wanted for is to break free from my sadness, even I have to stuck here with you all the way. Just stop being so inconsiderate. For once.
I just wished that you quit playing games with my heart and just put me away becuz you had your spares.
Why would you still being there with me around and around and yet you never realized that I never tried anything to hurt you but instead you hurt me again and again and again .
Ko tau kah apa perasaan orang yang mau jaga hati ko and kasi abai hati dia sendiri ? tidak.
Like now, saya alami lagi benda yang berulang .
Malam ini ko kasi sakit saya, besok pagi ko sayang2 saya.
Hipokriit okkk .. .and it really hurting me .
Sampai tua la saya ada life begini ?
Sampai bila saya mau hidup sama ko bila sekarang pun ko ada banyak perempuan ?
Not to brag , but I am not desperate to find any replacement.
True story. Im just the one who keep myself to you .
Why cant you do the same thing ? you keep away Jye from me. And now? Why cant you keep those other gals away then ?
Why are you stealing my happiness ? why ?
I am not happy when you pouring stuffs and luxuries on me, becuz all I want is sincerity .
Even when the time you are broke and lose everything, I ever been there for you . involved in summons and accidents, I was that girl who were in the situation with you .

DO YOU EVER TRY TO REALIZE ? nope.

This is truly painful.. all my emotions are bottled in, feelings are bottled in, and there I cant tell it to you becuz you just wont listen to me.
Fuck you .
I had a fucked up life but I persuade my self to be thankful to what I had. But really, I am dying .
Get over it please, just do the simplest thing to give the biggest change in our life. You , and me.
But yeah, you just wont be there.

Hopefully someday you will be the person that realized this and knew why do I write about our stories everytime . despite of the fact that I can do other thing , choose other guy, I’d choose to be there for you …

Thanks for reading, perhaps.

Ciaoz .