Need A Push to Myself

i wanna live for myself . i wanna love myself. i want to live for myself. stop the heartbreaking, stop the nonsense of affection . i wanna live for myself live for myself live for my self. i want to have something in my life.. to be proud of... to be proud of.

Curse of 24

This always happened. on 24th. i dont know why. but 24 never leaves me alone without putting me in misery.


Saya bukan cakap macam saya percaya benda-benda budu ... tapi kalau tiap2 kali pun mesti dapat masalah pada tarikh yang saaaaama seja... bukan lagi kebetulan etoo ~ pakiew. 

hari ni . saya tidak tau apa dalam fikiran saya. yang saya tau ... the world has lost respect in me. 

ya lah .i failed a thousand times even how hard i tried. 

saya boring ouw jadi failure. saya boring jadi orang yang selalu kena begini . boleh kah saya padam ni memory otak n reset pigi default setting yang mana saya teada perasaan hati n ingat mau hidup simple seja? BLOODY NO. 

tu yang susah kan .

bila kita teada siapa2 sudah .. and bila kita perlu motivator , n di sana la kita jatuh sejatuh jatuhnyaa ~ eish budu ba. 

kenapa mesti pada tarikh ini .? maybe the date i died probably gonna be this number, besaaar kemungkinan la. sebab saya yakin saya kena sumpahan bah ni .

24.5.11 - kawan2 saya meninggal dalam car crash 

             - the whole batch weep for them

24.5.11 - he's gone.

24.11.11- dia datang balik and buat saya hilang keyakinan diri

24.12.11- dia cari saya lagi  n buat saya rasa dia still .. 

24.1.12- bergaduh 

24.5.12- genap satu tahun . and saya ada problem time ini

24.6.12- hari ini . hari paling ... manang la saya rasa.

saya tiada hak bah rasa begini . zero. tiada sudah saya punya hope. n effort. tidak dapat yakin juga.tiap kali pun saya kena buat sampai saya rasa saya ni sampah . 

  

satu seja yang saya hairan . kenapa saya tiada kena accident or kena cacat or apa2 ? daripada balik2 sakit hati .bagus lagi mati terus .

apa yg ni dunia cuba kasi bukti ? dorang mau saya tabah ? woh... saya tidak tau sudah . 

otak saya kosong. 

sangat. kosong.

hati? tiada shape sudah .

pasir . 

 kalau mau cerita pasal tabah ...since my dad left i feel like my other half is gone. 

but i survived after a loooooong way of bittersweetness. 

since then saya banyak lalui benda2 bodoh . makin jatuh n saya bangun balik ..

tapi macam sia2. 

apa saya mau dalam hidup ? 

SAYA CUMA MAU ADA SOMEONE BAH.  who can handle me at my worst and take me at my best. 

i almost got it.. .but then it got away .

why ? saya kah yang langgar hukum hidup ? bodoh la nonsense. 

saya sudah jd diri sendiri . 

kalau mau cerita curang2... bullsh.teada langsung . .

kalau mau cerita saya tidak perfect , well, ada kah orang perfect ?

macam mana baik pun tu orang..dia tetap sinner bah .

itu seja saya percaya. .

tapi kejam ow. kenapa saya perlu hadapi begini . macam apa jak bah saya mau struggle lawan ini perasaan bdoh.

MAU MATI TIAP HARI .tapi tidak pernah dapat. 

sebab apa? WAY TOO MANY things already i've been through.

mesti lah ada orang yang lebih banyak dia hadapi. tapi ini saya. hidup saya. my cursed life. 

sekarang... macam biasa... saya tiada boleh harap siapa2 untuk ada di sisi saya... 

well ..in the end. we just could rely to ourself. 

saya makin lemah . keyakinan diri ? ZERO .

...

...sangat. 

tapi ada lagi tanggungjawab saya lepas ini ..

final sem punya kerja.

kalau saya penting diri... saya tidak mau peduli semua ini ... 

but yeah ..ini la dugaan . 

ini lah .. yg saya perlu hdapi. 

harap2 seja lah saya dapat pass tu benda.. presentation and etc. 

selepas itu... saya pandai2 lah mau buat apa dgn diiri sendiri .  

*bengkak gilak ne mata. tau sudah la , malam ini pun tidak akan dapat tidur. 

ciaoz. 

            

This IS indeed a Good Story.

A week ago, i've been struggling with my stupid emotion plus with my surrounding and my camouflaging to the people around me. 

saying i'm okay when its really not, and smile to everyone while inside i cant even move a nerve. 

that is exaggerating .

but yeah. 

if this is read by someone who felt the same, he/she knew. what its like to be or to feel like this.

what happened to the , i wont ever leave you, i love you so much, and you also dont ever neglect me ? neay~ people changes.

so do i.

**breath heartfully deep deep deep deep

haha Gosh... God must be laughing at me now. the road not taken and i took chances to fool around all along. but yeah.. life still give the best of it and somehow... i can accept this in different motivation.

i knowwww..... there's a lot more people out there that never had a chance to feel heartbroken over someone they love. never had the experience about anything and everything about it. so pure, so innocent. 

but as for me .

ha ha

no comment. 

thinking like this resisting me from crying.

am i? or am i not ? 

nobody can ever look at me at one glance and knew that there is something not right about me. well..still sane.. but ..

nay... nothing much to say about it . it happened. just happened . booyah ... .here we go again sean ... 

YWWA.. :)))

in the end, life fucks us all ..

saya mau thank you sama Tuhan sebab hari ini Dia Ajar saya perkara yg paling syok la saya rasa... 

Aktiviti sama kawan2 praktikal ...  AND that. .:D

saya boleh bah . 

arrogant? apa itu ? saya rasa saya tidak ada cuba untuk lari or mengelak . well. begini lah hidup. 

:)

<3

I am Belong to Me

What does it feel to die ? probably many people in the world dies without their own  desire. 

On my opinion… people died in many way and they die without knowing it.

Some people die on accident. Some are killed. Some…. committed suicide. They just feel enough of living and yeah …they choose to end it up, in many way . they cut their wrist… died on hanging rope, jumped off the cliff,  the question is .. Why ? 

But as for my own opinion… they are so many loners out there… they have problems. Like us do … but then we… had people around us… family members… friends…. And yeah …companion …well that’s how people survived… being not lonely… but those loners out there… they’ve  went through so much that they just cannot lift their own selves anymore and there they goes… end up their life. 

Being unwanted, being forgotten and being abandoned is much more painful than starve ourselves… rather than having no food at all, nothing to drink and no any property at all … when you had someone beside you, that never leaves you alone…. You can survive and determined to survive.

I’ve watched many living proof that people will die being a loner.

Even God created Eve for Adam .

He knew… we human being  …. We’ll be thirsty for affection and the feeling of being loved and taken care of.

But instead of dying … why cant God just let people to have the ability to erase their memories… ? why just they cant reset their life back to where they wanted it to be. …wont it be great that there is no more people dying if its not their time just yet? Well exceptions to those who were involved in accidents.

I just don’t get it… no matter  how much people wanna die in peace and serene…. (kunun) , still they will die in pain and vain.

I ever saw  people record them selves online with webcam and show how they commit suicide to the world. And booyah …. They clips gets millions of like .

Well maybe that is why more and more and more people determined to  kill themselves because they saw people being killed and kill themselves too ..it encourage them more to die and experience it by themselves. Hoh! … I don’t know what am I mumbling about.

In My Mind…. I was thinking about… HOW DOES IT FELT TO DIE, right now … ,right away ….

I wanna how may I look like if I died. LOL .

I cannot feel myself anymore.

Somehow there is a voice inside me. Urging me to.  *******

Blah.

But then .. . I still have the conscience.

I know its not worthy to die over our problem. I know if I cannot solve  it…then I’ll live with it. 

My boyfie… I don’t know what is in her mind… but then .. yeah …I told myself.. Appreciate. Don’t let go of someone you love over a simple matter.

Haha. Simple? Ntah . pQ.

Yaaaa la… im only someone to you .

.sigh . ntah la . heh. Saya sayang dea ba.tu la dapat trima seja.

Ciaoz

1.23am

went around the net, reading and here's some of the quotes that i get to love. ..

*Always continue the climb. It is possible for you to do whatever you choose, if you first get to know who you are and are willing to work with a power that is greater than ourselves to do it.
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

* Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.
Wayne Dyer

Expect problems and eat them for breakfast.
Alfred A. Montapert

 i should really go to sleep now. TRYing ... boo ~ night .

1.18am

still awake still awake still awake still awake.... 3 hours before start doing my chores , HAAAAAAAIIIIZZZ

dunno what to do .

Nope. I lied . :’)

Yeah, I lied to Jye that imma going to sleep now. I haven’t sleep just yet… we texted in just for a while.. then she probably fall asleep . tired of driving. I aint sleepy bah . 

my boiboi went out with dea punya friends just now.. and now she’s back, exhausted.

Somehow.. maybe this is what you felt when I fall asleep every time I am back from work and slept like a dead fish. Gilaaaaaaaa saya perlu kau bah sekarang. .. :’D .

I now know that its not good to fall asleep. And its my major problem . SUDDEN SLEEP HABIT. Bodoh bah kan ?even if I hold the phone and texting … .i’ll fall asleep like kena itu magic powder. Except when we talked in the phone.

Dear JYE <3 , remember when we used to talk in the phone and fall asleep and the phone is turned off by itself ? I MISSED that .I used to talk to you every day .. every night. and now its been a while that we didn’t talk much.

But somehow this is life, we need to adapt and blend in . kan ? kalau ada problem, face it. Kalau ada bergaduh, we try to calm down. Hoho . kadang2 I cannot control my anger and I’ll turn into a horrible bitch .

I’ll scream and shout and mock and hurt myself like I lose my sanity.

But I know im a grown up lady. So, probably giving the white flag in early of argument is the best way to calm down. I don’t like argument. I dislike fighting. Silence is a good way too .but it gave many kind of results in the end.

Jadi semua tu depends sama macam mana kita handle itu situation.

Saya sayang itu orang. Sinta and sayang. C jjyyee.. ehee…

I duwan let any small argument to ruin us. Betul ini.

Tadi bah dia text … Jye called me with name, as usual like before.. macam sa mau lumpat2 sana katil ne . :D

I know I don’t want to lose my boyfie . ehehe.

Actually I cannot sleep becuz I missed dea... voice deaaa.... and to talk with her.

And plus with my neighbor …. Sukaaaaa betul menyanyi sampai lupa dunia… bagus kalau siokkk tu suara,

Nyamuk lagi … dui .. nyamuk Kmarudu memang kick dia punya size worr…. Basarrrr …

Haha…I miss her I miss her I miss her …. Duhhhhhh

so i decide to view our pictures again and again and yeah ... imma drop some of them here... <3

heehee ....i love ths one.

camwhoring lol

sa suka kacau c boyfie masa dia driving ...ni lah jadi dia.... sepa suruh telampau tinggi :D

Sigh …besok I need to wake up as early as 4.30am. mummy will be off to kk at 5am. Need to prepare them breakfast .. .bobby is going to his scout meeting at 6am.. nah gila… saya yg cuti tapi saya pun ikut juga dorang punya jadual ==.. tu lah kalau jadi perempuan urang bilangg…

On Monday start lagi hectic busy life. Duhh ingat lagi mau balik kolej … huahahhaha… .gila. but I cannot wait to see her then , wanna hug her tight . uurmmph .. I MISS YOU JYE.

Sweet dream and Good night <3