The Happiest Sad. [ undefined ]

boo hoo hoo ~ i lose to my own self.

i had a massive migrain and ii slept the whole day .


i cannot stop thinking about this one stupid thing.


is this really how it should be ? God ? answer me.

i kept singing this one gospel song in my heart which sounds like this :

thank you Lord,

for saving my soul,

thank you Lord,

for making me whole,

thank you Lord, 

for giving to me,

Thy great salvation so rich... 

and...Free ~
and apparently my tears came along , :)
i dont know if i should call it the tears of serenity . perhaps ?
sebab bila sa ulang2 balik tu lagu ...

sa tertidur.

sa tertidur selepas cuba untuk tidur selama 3 jam percubaan .ngeh ~
apa yg terjadi ?
sa pusing sana sini,tukar position and etc etc. hambur sudah my bed. 

but then thanks God i finally be able to sleep for a while. now i am awake.emptytummybah.

sa tidak tau .sa kerap vomit lepas makan. tapi kalau tidak makan.. tidak pula meragam .

blah.

so i decide to drink only mineral water and thats it. 

but then..sa masih terfikir. will that person ever change someday ?
can i quit, like seriously quitting ? 

coz i cannot deny my feeling. 

sa ingat betul sa always d tepi dia time dia tidur. n dia suka rambut dia kena gulung2. 

n really likes to be hugged.from behind.

sa ingat lagi sa tertidur sekejap n dia hilang, so i ask his mummy where he'd go .dia cakap keluar. so i went upstairs, sa nampak dia berkoling and quite terkejut bila nampak sa terbangun ...

i dont know what urges me that time, i immediately shouted :hye enna~
and then i went downstairs running. in 3 minutes he rushes back in, saying that he dont wanna argue and please faham dia. 

:) 

faham. 

sa faham ko selalu .

u want me to understand that you have to think about her feeling kan ?

i understood. 

you asked for my permission if you can text her back or answer call .. 

sure, i understood.,.

i dont know if he ever remembered that one time, he collapsed in the washroom at home. his sister called me to come, as that time i am busy preparing for the big event at my college and also busy preparing for 3 papers exam for the next day.

i kept them aside.

i rushed to his place.

and without any hesitation, i took care of him all night long. he had a big shock on the head as he knocks his head at the sink in the washroom. 

that night he had a very hot fever.

i stayed up all night just to wipe him with moist warm towel and reduce the heat of his body..

the very next day, friday, i am so very aware that i had to go to college , to take my exam paper .. 3 of them.. attendance is compulsory.

and i lied to my besties. telling that i went back hometown. which the truth is i was taking care of him.

so i get zero marks .:) but then the lecturers gave me excuses when i said i have emergencies.

but still my attendance is marked absence.


and guess what? i didnt tell him about this. i said i dont have class and etc.

on sunday morning i went home as he getting much better. telling me he promised to go out at noon, so i agreed. i waited . 

called him like numerous of time. 

suddenly he accidentally picked up the phone. 

my bestie vivie were besides me that time

we heard Chabey's voice laughing happily with him in the car.

yeah .it really happened.

and God only knows how broken my heart are that time. 

i cannot even hold my phone .we both took like 10 minutes before we hung up the phone.

and i cried to the max.

so i told him.

thanks.

and he said. 

what i did? 

:) 

..

days passed, months passed. 

i have been his shadow since november 2011.

and in times, he have been spending almost 24/7 with me, while some of those days he asked me permission to contact chabey.

does he really realize how hard a girl can do that for someone that she really love?  

well, i think i am one of the living proof. 

i remembered again that one time he broke my heart, when i had prepared to celebrate his birthday, and he actually had a big fight with me just to refuse to celebrate with me. 

alasan dia... dia tidak mau kena cari siapa2 on that very day. 

so. 

i gave up that time.

and he kept on coming back to me. 

even masa valentine pun, bila sa cakap mau celebrate sama dia, n he promised...
he wasnt there on that day .
i went to 1borneo with my bestie.
and he texted me, he was there too.meaning tat he wanna meet me.
hurt, i ignore that text.
the other next day , i continued again seeing him '.


all my friends, family, his family and other people knew. they saw us .

this chain never breaks .


i went gone for a while. and there i met Jye. 
i immediately gave my whole effort on us. 
and things get worst.


broke up with her. and he appeared again. he went to hometown. went to see my mum and my family. claiming that he's on hols. 
mum is very happy to see him .
even his parents ask if i were ready for the bound of knot. 


he sent me to my workplace, took me back home, dine in together and sleepover. if we were in somewhere else, that situation is just the same like lying ur self on a green green grass and star gazing together. beautiful.


 everything was like a perfect dream and  already planned. i saw his status in fb > imma set you on fire tonight. 
and he did. 

he did a very good job to melt my heart.
he became a decent boyfriend that every girl ever dreamed of. 


till this month... things happened round and around..


so much tears and so much tiring moments.


will he actually ever realized my existence..? 
he gave me things, luxury , but not his sincerity.


did he ever realized how i have always been there for him? 


nope. i dont know. 


for only God knows what is the ending.


i love that guy alot, and so much . 


i dont know why, no matter how he had done the worst thing still i cannot hate him the way i should be. 


:/


this is sucks. really. 


i know , out there, chabey is happily being with him ,she never know, how its like to be me .


i called him White Ghost becuz he always come and go as he please. although he said i did many more mistakes than him, well, i dont know... i just swallow them deep down within myself.


and i know it is being used as an excuse for him to go and enjoy around.


^_^ pretty weird huh ? i am hurt but i can not hate him.



tapi i know. he is a guy. guy are immature creature.


and ego is their highest priority.


i just wanna wish  them to be as happy as they can be. i only reminiscing the things that i have been thru with him for  all these while. 


so , anything that comes up from any mouth and spreading bad rumors to that girl, i won't give a damn. 



i love him. and thats it. <3 Blessed be  upon you white ghost.